The Good – Meeting new people. “What a delight. I’ve been cooped up in a putrid classroom with the same 30 kids for 7 years, and now I get to go out and meet new people. I’ll no longer be known as the kid who pooped his pants during the spelling bee! Look out world!!”
The Bad – Meeting new people. “Who the hell are all these freaks? Does that kid have a mustache? How old is he? And how does everyone already know that I pooped my pants?”*
The Good – You have more than one teacher. In grade school, you were stuck in a classroom for 6 hours a day, 9 months a year with the same teacher. Eventually you get to know this instructor more than you ever should. If Mrs. Williams has a headache, it means that she went to Applebee’s last night with all the other teachers who have headaches. If Mrs. Williams is friendly with the art teacher, it means that she’s ovulating. If Mrs. Williams is cranky, it means that the art teacher gave her a venereal disease. Why is she surprised? The guy has dreadlocks.
The Bad – There’s a greater probability of getting a dick for a teacher. It was a 50% chance is grade school. There was always a nice one and the mean one. But in junior high, you have eight different teachers. Chances are that at least one of them is going to be a dick. And they’ll make no qualms about it. “Sorry, but you’re in the real world now. We’re not here to baby you anymore.” I have two problems with that theory:
1) Junior High is not even close to the real world. You don’t give titty twisters in the real world. At least not in the work place.
2) Even in the real world, it is not acceptable to be a dick. That’s probably why the teacher flunked out of dental school and ended up as a shitty middle school teacher.
The Good – A variety of lunch options. It seemed like in grade school you had two choices: chicken patties or chicken patties. But in junior high they give you the opportunity to choose what you would like to eat, and I took full advantage. Every day I would get a Hawaiian Punch, a Fruit Roll Up, and a Nutty Bar. Man, I was growing up so fast…
The Bad – The seating arrangements during lunch. When did lunch become a showcase of how cool you are, or more specifically, how cool I’m not? In grade school everyone sat together. Even the conjoined twins were invited, and they grossed everyone out. Now my best friend from four months ago is sitting with a bunch of eighth graders who are dressed in all black and smoking, and he doesn’t want me to sit next to him. “Why not? Is it because of the shirt I’m wearing? I thought we both liked Ace of Base!”
The Good – The dances. It’s exciting. The school is basically giving you permission to touch someone of the opposite sex. That was never allowed in grade school. Of course the only physical contact you had with the opposite sex back then was when you would snap some girls training bra, but they still yelled at you for it.
The Bad – The uncontrollable erections that come with this new permission to touch someone of the opposite sex at a dance. No explanation needed.
**Fun Fact – The girls that dance the dirtiest at middle school dances are most likely to be future cast members on 16 and Pregnant.**
The Good- Most of the girls now have boobs. Where did they come from? They never had boobs before. How did Fran get boobs in three months? We called her Flat Fran. We even made her cry. I wonder if she’ll go out with me.
The Bad – You can’t stop thinking about boobs. It’s starting to affect your schoolwork. You didn’t even make the Honor Roll this quarter, and the kid who eats chalk made the Honor Roll. But then again, the kid who eats chalk might be brilliant.
The Good – Having to care about your appearance. You might think that this is bad, but it’s good. You know what’s bad? The two months you went in sixth grade without showering. The Bo Jackson shirt you wore three times a week that eventually no longer covered your nipples. The outbreak of head lice that you caused at your school. That was bad.
The Bad – Getting dressed for gym. In grade school they just requested that you wear sweat pants on the day of the week when you had gym class. But in junior high they make you go to gym every day, and since wearing sweatpants daily is a fashion faux pas (which I found out at 26), you are forced to have a gym uniform that you change into. And there is always one kid who has an incestuous family of 15 that has no problem with walking around the locker room in his whitey tighties. I wouldn’t even look in the mirror if I was just in my underwear, and this kid was prancing around trying to tickle us. He also ate chalk.
The Good- You get to use the bathroom more often. Grade school teachers give you two bathroom breaks a day and wonder why children pee their pants all the time. And when you go, you’re with all your other classmates. It’s like a madhouse in there. Boys pushing each other into the stalls, wet paper towels being thrown everywhere… it’s impossible to urinate in an environment like that. And god forbid you even try to go number two. If you do, kids will be opening the stall door, peeking their heads in, and eventually telling every girl in the class that you poop. But in junior high, between each period you get the opportunity to use the restroom. And getting a hall pass to use the bathroom during class is no longer as difficult as being granted permission to enter the White House with a bazooka in your coat.
The Bad – No recess. “What do you mean gym class counts as recess? We did fucking gymnastics the whole time.”
*I’m sorry, but you will always be known as the kid who pooped his pants during the spelling bee. That title will follow you around forever like it was Forrest Whittaker’s stalker** following around Forrest Whittaker.
Gizmo, the beloved gerbil of Hollywood’s kinkiest front man Richard Gere, died early this morning after a 16-year battle with e. coli.
1986-2011
Born with a beautiful white coat of fur, Gizmo was raised by his father Carl and mother Princess. Carl, a professional wheel runner, and Princess, a seed eater, died tragically when Gizmo was a teenager after a ball they were running around in was pushed down the stairs by Gere’s asshole son Germaine.
After his parents were suddenly taken from him, Gizmo decided to lead a life of adventure. Known as a tremendous story teller, he loved giving the account of his exploratory trip into the land of RG’sanus. While it is the dilapidated conditions in RG’sanus that caused the brave gerbil to contract the deadly e. coli bacteria virus, he always referred to it as “the adventure of a lifetime.” Upon his return from RG’sanus, Gizmo’s coat was transformed from beautiful fluffy white to putrid sticky brown. It is this fur that he repeatedly tried to clean with his tongue that lead to his demise.
Gizmo is survived by the countless friends he met during his travels in RG’sanus, of whom he lovingly referred to as “Peanut Shits.”
Patrons at Bardot, a popular downtown Los Angeles nightclub, were shocked to see Hollywood-big-shot Keanu Reeves and sitcom-Jesus Joey Lawrence throwing punches at each other late Friday night.
Police arrived on the scene after the fight had been broken up by security, but the damage had already been done. Keanu Reeves needed stitches on his lip and Joey Lawrence resembled Blossom.
Apparently what caused the scuffle between the two was an argument they were engaged in over which one of them says ‘whoa’ better. Both actors are known for saying ‘whoa,’ but in entirely different styles. Once they starting arguing over whose style was superior, fists soon began to fly. A bar patron described the scene to us.
“I looked over and saw them fighting. It was crazy. The first thing I said was, ‘Whoa!’ I wasn’t trying to be funny, but it made the guy next to me laugh. Then he said ‘whoa.’ Pretty soon the entire bar was saying ’whoa’ and laughing.”
Most of the spectators chose to say ‘whoa’ in the Joey Lawrence type style, which infuriated Reeves.
“I’d say about 70% of the crowd was mimicking J-Law’s ‘whoa,’ which pissed Keanu off. There were some people saying ‘whoa’ like Keanu did in Bill and Ted’s, but his ‘whoa’ is a lot quieter and got drained out. So Joey was able to feed off the crowd more. You could tell it made a difference.”
Most of the patrons who witnessed the fight agreed that Lawrence faired better than Reeves, which both surprised and disappointed a lot of the Matrix enthusiasts at the bar.
“Neo was not on his game,” said Frank Kauffman. “He obviously needs to spend some time in the sparring program with Morpheus. Or maybe Joey Lawrence is just more experienced in his training. I doubt it though. Neo’s The One.”
After Reeves and Lawrence were removed from the scene, numerous heated arguments about the better delivery of ‘whoa’ had to be broken up outside of the club.
Obviously I am referring to Shawn Hunter, one of the main characters on God’s favorite show Boy Meets World. Like every Shawn in this world, Mr. Hunter was cursed with the gift of great hair, piercing eyes, and BJ lips. But beneath the stunning canvas lies a man-child with more baggage than Octomom.
Like a full moon, you could count on a Boy Meets World episode where Sean has emotional issues to come every 29.5 days.
Three episodes a month Shawn would be as entertaining as a teenager can be. He would chase girls, cause mischief, and fail academically as if he had a severe learning disability. But then the fourth episode would air, and this carefree Adonis would turn into Issues McGee.
Name an issue. Any issue. Shawn had it.
Abandonment - Although his parents were borderline homeless, they had the funds to travel around the country chasing each other while Shawn was put into the care of his friend’s parents, his English teacher, and his long lost wealthy brother. He was passed around like a baby on Teen Mom.
Academic – Shawn never excelled as a student, which made him feel inferior to all of his smart friends. But it’s not all bad. Through the magic of terrible writing he ended up getting into the same college as Topenga, the valedictorian of a heavy populated school in Philadelphia (a city known for its racism academic accomplishments). Thank you Boy Meets World. You’ve proven that no matter how hard you try in school, you will always end up at the same crappy college as your friend that only knows 17 of the 26 letters in the alphabet.
Sexual – The guy was a pervert. Hands down. But he wasn’t the only one with sexual problems on the show. Look at Topenga. She wouldn’t even let her boyfriend of 12 years see her in a bathing suit until they were married. Maybe she was holding out for Fred Savage. I would.
It’s obvious that Shawn had problems. But who didn’t on that show?
Cory, who started out the show as a cute and witty 12-year-old, grew up to be a neurotic sex addict with the face of troll and the vocabulary of a 94-year-old Jewish grandmother.
Mr. Feeny was forced keep his homosexuality a secret because he worked in the public school system.
And Eric, Cory’s brother… I mean, what happened there? He started out the show as a ‘b’ student who strived to get into college. By the end of the show he couldn’t even formulate a logical sentence. The guy obviously had some sort of brain cancer that was being ignored by everyone around him who just thought he caught a case of “the dumbs.”
But Shawn was a complainer and always reminded us that he was given the short end of the stick. But he’s cute, so who cares.
