By Sean Patrick
Fact: When you are driving, the easiest way for you to express yourself to the motorists around you is to sport a bumper sticker.
The bumper sticker is a way to tell people you will never meet a little something about yourself. Maybe your ancestors came from Germany, and even though you’ve never been to Germany, you don’t like German food, and you’re scared to tell your Jewish girlfriend’s dad that your grandfather killed his favorite uncle back in the 40’s (crazy times), you want to represent the country you came from to complete strangers. There’s no better way to do that than by draping a German flag sticker to your bumper.
But unbeknownst to you, the bumper sticker you select most likely says something about you that you never intended. It’s like that sunset tattoo you got in Cabo San Lucas: you think it’s a symbol of the unforgettable time you had in the Mexican paradise, but to everyone else it just confirms that you got too drunk during Spring Break and slept with a tattoo artist. So when you choose to have a bumper sticker, be aware that the ones below give an impression of you that may not be what you were going for.
What Your Bumper Sticker Says About You
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself - I don’t trust the government, and advise everyone to do the same.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I frequently get caught breaking the law.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself– I love sex and women!!!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – I have difficulty talking to women and have yet to see an actual female breast.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I can accomplish anything in my life!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – Obesity has prevented me from accomplishing much in my life.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I am so proud of my child!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – I’m so shocked that the retard can actually pull a ‘B’ average that I need to show everyone.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I want you to be careful driving around me, my precious angel is in the back seat.
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – Beware, my terrible driving constantly puts both yours and my child’s life at risk.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – If they were elected back then, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in today!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’m dumb and can’t figure out how to get old bumper stickers off of my car.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love my American Staffordshire Terrier!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’ve had sex with my American Staffordshire Terrier.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love making the world a better and brighter place!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – My positive attitude annoys all of my coworkers at Home Depot.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I am a huge Packer fan!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’m a dick.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love great music, and The Grateful Dead is great music.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I have a stack of narcotics in my trunk.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – The lord is the only one that can tell me what to do.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – My problem with authority has caused me to be unemployed for the last five years.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I want to live in a world of absolute peace and harmony.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I chopped off my toe in ‘67 to get out of Vietnam.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself - I respect and cherish the Second Amendment of the Constitution.
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself - I’ve killed immigrants.
By Sean Patrick
I wanted to make two predictions on this website that, if either come true, will convince everyone that I am a modern day Nostrodamus. But unlike the 16th century Miss Cleo, my predictions will not be filled with loose predictions that can be interrupted in hundreds of different ways.
Nostro has been unjustly given credit for predicting almost everything that happens in this world. For example, he once said this:
The young lion will overcome the older one,
On the field of combat in a single battle;
He will pierce his eyes through a golden cage,
Two wounds made one, then he dies a cruel death.
People claim that Nostro-vagueness successfully predicted the death of King Henry II of France in this third grade poem. This is because King Henry II died a cruel death. So what? Predicting that someone in the 1500s would die a cruel death is like predicting that Snooki will get abortions. What wasn’t a cruel death back then? No one died peacefully in their sleep. They were either killed in a sword fight, contracted smallpox, or got decapitated.
So in the honor of showing some balls when it comes to predictions, I’ve decided to make two bold prophecies that, if either come to fruition, will prove that I’m much more talented than the Nos.
Prediction One
On July 18th, 2016, at 4:47:16 a.m. CST., the guy that played Potsie in Happy Days will be pulled over by a trans-gender police officer for failure to use his blinker on a right-hand turn in the city of Minot, North Dakota. When the cop realizes that it’s Potsie, she will break down crying. He will say the words, “Why are you crying?” She will say, “Because you killed my father!” Potsie, remembering his dark past, will run the cop over with his car and high tail it towards Canada. We will never hear from the gifted actor again, but the cop will survive the hit and ironically star in the wildly successful 2020 sitcom remake of Happy Days.
murderer
Prediction Two
It will rain in Pittsburgh on July 16th, 2011. Maybe.
50% possible
By Sean Patrick
Time Magazine Names Sadaam Hussein the Sexiest Tyrant of All-Time
Time Magazine, the periodic publication known for gross-out humor and not being afraid to go there, has named Sadaam Hussein the sexiest tyrant of all-time. The former dictator, who was executed in 2006, was known for being ruthless, evil, and terrifyingly gorgeous.
“He’s a babe. No doubt,” said Time’s Managing Editor Richard Stengel. “The issues we’ve publishedwhere his face was on the cover are our best selling of all time, and it’s not because of our articles. Women go gaga over this guy. The ladies want him, and the men want to be him. He’s the Justin Bieber of authoritarians.”
The proof is in the pudding. Historically, the mustaches tyrants wear quickly go out of style. Hitler’s tiny mustache hasn’t been worn since the Anne Frank era. But the Sadaam stache? It’s still very much alive. Tom Selleck even has one.
And in 2003 he even managed to make a shaggy beard and body lice a fashion must, a trend that is still sported today by Hollywood’s biggest names.
Other tyrants have also been categorized in this months Time Magazine. The Philippines Ferdinand Marcos was crowned The Worlds Silliest Tyrant, Romania’s Nikolae Ceausescu was labeled Tyrant that Most Resembles A Penis, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Il was named Tyrant Most Likely to be a Closet Lesbian.
By Sean Patrick
Laws exist around this country that are so outrageous, it makes you wonder what caused them to be signed into decree in the first place. For example, in Eagle, Idaho bicycles are not allowed on tennis courts (SAY WHAT?!?!); you cannot carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces, New Mexico (SO WEIRD!!!); and in Fairview, South Carolina it is illegal to save an African American from drowning (CREEPY!!!)
Below is only of portion of these crazy laws that still exist all over the United States.
In Gainsville, New York, it is illegal to smell like Indian food.
In Frankford, North Carolina, it is forbidden to watch episodes of Glee where the plotline focuses on the homosexual student.
In Bensenville, Illinois, it is forbidden to tell someone that they resemble James Van Der Beek unless they legitimately resemble James Van Der Beek.
In Tampa Bay, Florida, the only time it is legal to tickle someone until they poop their pants is during Hanukah.
In Hartsville, North Carolina, it is illegal to get a vasectomy if you are attractive.
In Dover, North Dakota, it is illegal to make a joke about Princess Diana’s death unless it’s laugh-out-loud funny (most are).
In Hunter, Wyoming, it is against the law for amputees to go to public swimming pools.
In Carol Park, Mississippi, it is illegal to be Japanese.
In Foxboro, Massachusetts, it is illegal to mistake Louis Gosset Jr. for Montel Williams (mistaking Montel Williams for Louis Gosset Jr. is oddly encouraged)
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By Sean Patrick
There are many women out there today who are on a desperate search to find Mr. Right. They go to bars, clubs, illegal rooster fights, monster truck rallies, all to try and meet the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
To make it easier for these women to separate the studs from the duds, below are some sentences that will never come out of the mouth of Mr. Right.
Things Mr. Right Will Never Say
I cant decide if I love my grandma or if I’m in love with my grandma.
The women’s bathroom here isn’t as nice as the one at Applebees.
Do you think these track marks are sexy?
You look familiar. Have you done any foot fetish pornography?
You remind me of my missing ex-girlfriend.
You’re lucky. It’s pretty rare to see me without puss coming out of my chin.
I don’t get why dog bones are only for dogs.
Imagine this: here I am, fourteen years old, just having graduated eighth grade, with blood stained hands and a decapitated body lying at my feet. It was like something out of a dream… but it was real… and I did it… that was fifteen years ago…. so to answer your question, it’s been fifteen years since I last visited Pittsburgh.
To be honest, I believe Von der Sloot.
I love kids. Sometimes I’ll park my car outside of a daycare center and watch them for hours.
You’d be surprised… this trench coat can hide more weapons than you’d think.
Tell me about it. I almost strangled my sister to death for reading my diary. True story.
Do you ever lose all concept of reality and find yourself making out with one of your cousins?
I like you… so you better get out of here. I’m about to do something that’ll make headline news. (** Note – Take his advice and leave**)
I would have finished college, but my parents forced me to come home during my last semester after I contracted gonorrhea of the face.
So after finding out that prostitution wasn’t 100% legal in Las Vegas, I just moved back home.
That’s not a pitchfork, it’s a swastika. My tattoo artist just sucks.
This necklace? It’s my baby teeth…. just kidding! They’re not my baby teeth. That would be weird.
Me? I’m a photographer for National Geographic. (**Note- Stay away from this guy because he’s a liar**)
Of course I look familiar, I’m your brother. How much have you been drinking?
By Sean Patrick
I was a sophomore in high school. I had just taken an Algebra test and was sitting around with about fifteen minutes left of class. That day I also had an essay due for my English class, and because I had time to kill I thought I would read it over again to make sure that it was perfect (spoiler alert: it was). I took the folder that my essay was in out of my backpack, and as soon as I opened it…
A GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH APPEARED AND STARTED SCATTERING UP TOWARDS THE TOP OF MY PAPER
I let out a short scream and slammed my folder shut. The room was quiet because of the test, so as I quickly looked around I expected everyone to be staring at me. But somehow no one seemed to notice my outburst. I was in shock for a couple seconds. Then my thoughts went to my essay. By slamming the folder shut I was sure that I had squished the roach and gotten it all over my paper. I wanted to see the damage, but fearing that it was somehow still alive, I decided to play it safe and quickly open up the folder and toss it to the ground.
I opened it up and threw it down, which again made a loud noise that everyone ignored. I stared at the paper. There was no squished cockroach. In fact, there was no cockroach at all. I was confused. Did my mom put LSD in my lunch? Was I seeing non-existent bugs? That’s when that beast of an insect ran out of the sleeve of the folder and headed straight towards the head of the class. I looked around again to see if anyone was noticing the spectacle of me releasing a huge roach from my folder into the classroom, but still no one was paying attention. I focused back on the bug. He quickly walked by three students that were sitting in my row before heading to the backpack of the girl sitting in the front. He went to the base of her bag and disappeared under it.
I was in shock. This entire spectacle happened within a minute, and even with all the noise I was making it had somehow managed to go unnoticed by everyone around me.
There was still fourteen minutes left of class, all of which I spent staring at the base of this girl’s backpack. I knew this girl, but not very well. When I was a freshman she went to homecoming with my friend, and for the big fancy dinner we were supposed to take our dates to before the dance (a homecoming tradition), we took our dates to Denny’s. My girlfriend didn’t seem to mind, but she never talked to me or my friend ever again.
I kept my mouth shut.
I was sure that when class was over, she would pick up her backpack and scream. So when the bell rang, I stayed in my seat to watch the show. But when she picked up her backpack, there was no cockroach. It was gone. It had climbed into her backpack.
Obviously there was nothing that I could do at this point. She had a cockroach in her backpack, and I was 89% to blame for it (5 % of the blame goes to the cockroach, and 6% of the blame goes to JanSport for making their backpacks so cockroach friendly)
I had sixth period band with this girl an obligation to harass band geeks every sixth period, and she happened to be a band member. When I walked into the band room, the first thing I saw was her sobbing as her boyfriend consoled her.
I walked away from her knowing all too well the terror that she was experiencing at this moment.
I thought of asking her if a nice dinner at Denny’s would make her feel better.
By Sean Patrick
A new year is upon us, and people all over the country are vowing to make healthier life choices to try and reverse the severe damage they did to their bodies over the holiday season.
Me at the Beginning of November
Me at the Beginning of January
But lets be honest… that gym membership that you got so you can accomplish your New Year’s Resolution of losing weight will be utilized in January, somewhat dabbled with in February, and completely ignored by March. Come June that gym membership, along with the adult website you’ve been subscribed to since college, does nothing for you but make you feel bad about yourself while taking $30 out of your bank account every first of the month.
Being unable to accomplish the miniscule goals you made after you embarrassed yourself at your ex-girlfriend’s New Years party is demoralizing. For that reason, I’ve come up with more realistic New year’s Resolutions you can make that will make you feel good about yourself this year (which we’ll all need since the Miyans and John Cusak have predicted we will all die in 2012).
Avoid Eye Contact With Greenpeace Employees – You wont regret this one. You look in their direction for one moment and before you know it they are lecturing you about how bad the toilet paper you use is just because it’s made out of tortured rhino feet (I use the tough stuff). Avoid eye contact with these guilt-trippers and continue planning your Hummer road trip.
At The Very Least, Entertain the Idea of Showering Everyday – No American showers everyday. It’s the only thing we do that makes us feel European. Therefore, a resolution where you vow to shower every single day of the year is ridiculous. But by merely entertaining the idea of showering, you have done everything you said you would at the beginning of the year.
Yell at a Child At Least Once a Week – You’d be surprised on how long you can live by doing this.
Stop Watching Movies About Exorcism – This shouldn’t be a hard thing to do, and if it is, then you’re probably starting to worry everyone around you. Stop giving these creepy films your hard earned money. Please. I’m begging you. The more people who do this, the less I’ll have to feel terrified during the coming attractions everytime I see a non-Pixar film at the theatre.
Begin Lying About Yourself More – Nobody likes the real you. If they did, you wouldn’t have to make a New Year’s Resolution. You think Brad Pitt has a New Year’s Resolution? Of Course not. What would it even be? Stop having abs? Start making up lies about yourself. Tell your neighbor that you’re sleeping with a supermodel that lives in Denmark. Tell your coworkers that you can dunk a basketball. Tell your parents that you dunked a basketball on your Denmarkian supermodel girlfriend. As soon as people start to see this change in you, you’ll never have to make a resolution ever again. Make sense? Trust me, it did.
