By Sean Patrick
Here is a beautiful story about my Grandpa John:
A couple nights ago, my aunt rushed into the hospital at about 10 p.m. to see my Grandpa John. She heard that his days were running short, so she drove from three hours away to see him. She came into the hospital with my uncle, and as soon as they got to the ICU, they had a doctor direct them to the dark room where my Grandpa John was resting. By this time they knew that he, at most, had days to live.
When she got to his room, she found him there lying peacefully. She went up to him with all the love in the world and told him that she loved him. She kissed him on the forehead and stroked his hair as he laid there quietly. Her husband, my uncle, came in soon after and hugged him.
“I love you grandpa,” he said.
“I love you too,” he replied.
As my aunt and uncle stayed there embracing him, my grandpa used all of his energy to utter these words:
“They put a stint in my neck. My heart should be OK. I’ll be able to leave tomorrow.”
…
This was unexpected great news!!!
…..
…..
…except…..
….Grandpa John wasn’t having heart problems….
…after hearing this, both my aunt and uncle looked at my grandpa. It was dark, but from what they could see, something seemed weird…
….
…this wasn’t Grandpa John…
Immediately they both realized that the man they had kissed, hugged, and told that they loved was not my grandfather. It was the man in the room next to my grandpa’s, who looked almost exactly like him.
Fake-grandpa asked for a nurse, and my aunt and uncle told him that they would find one as they rushed out of the room.
The next day this stranger’s son asked my aunt:
“Did you kiss my dad last night?”
My aunt could only reply, “yes.”
My grandpa passed away last night. He was a great man with a greater sense of humor, and I, along with everyone who knew him, will always miss him. His laugh was beautiful, and his patience and happiness for life is something I will always hope to possess. My Grandpa John was simply great man.
Thank you grandpa. We love you.
By Sean Patrick
Autopsy Reveals that Gary Coleman Died From a Brain Hemorrhage Caused By Never Knowing what People were Talking About
On May 28, 2010, the world lost the second greatest African-American sitcom actor from the 80s who stood below 5 feet tall.
(1st)
Gary Coleman, the star of Different Strokes, passed away after being put on life support for over 24 hours at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Although the cause of death was originally reported as an epidural hematoma, further investigation has discovered that the actor died from a brain hemorrhage. The cause for this brain hemorrhage, revealed by Dr. George Fiston of the Utah Center for Autopsy, is as shocking as it is hilarious.
“We believe that after decades of struggling to figure out what people were talking about, too much stress was put on the brain, causing the hemorrhage that took his life.”
It turns out that his catch phrase “what you talking about” was actually not a catch phrase at all, but rather a serious inquiry into the meaning of the conversation being had by those around him.
“We never wrote the line ‘what you talking about’ into a script of Different Strokes,” says Budd Grossman, executive producer of the show. “We heard him say it once between takes and he said it in such a funny way that we decided to put it into the show. But he hated it and refused to read it off of a script. So after a while we were forced to intentionally confuse him so he would blurt it out. That’s why we had that episode where Dudley gets molested. Gary had no idea what being molested was… nobody did in the early 80s. We got about 12 ‘what you talking about’s’ out of him. It really lightened the mood of that episode. It even made being molested kind of funny.”
But the confusion didn’t stop there. Todd Bridges revealed that many times on set they were forced to speak Mandarin in order to make the child star belt out his famous line.
“It was kind of fun. During the break between season 4 and 5, the entire cast except for Gary took a class where we learned to speak Mandarin. The next season we would do all of our lines in the Chinese language and the editors would cut in our lines later. Gary didn’t know what the heck was going on! Of course me and the actress who played Kimberly were both on blow, so we didn’t really know either. But it was fun. God I miss the fucking 80s!”
By experiencing so much confusion, Gary’s brain was damaged beyond repair once the curtains were closed on Different Strokes. So much of his intelligence was lost that he began naturally struggling with figuring out what people were talking about, no matter how simple the subject matter was.
“It wasn’t an act,” says ex-wife Shannon Price. “He didn’t know what was going on. I would say something, he would say ‘what you talking about Shannon?,’ I would laugh, and he would storm off. It’s what led to our divorce.”
By Sean Patrick
“I’ve had longer farts than that.”
By Sean Patrick
I love Thanksgiving. It’s the biggest drinking holiday of the year. For four days in a row Americans are allowed to get as drunk as possible. It’s like St. Patrick’s Day on HGH. The night before Thanksgiving you drink to celebrate the beginning of your vacation, Thanksgiving you drink to tolerate the Detroit Lions game, Friday you drink because there’s nothing better to do, and Saturday you drink because you’ve become addicted. By the time you get back to work on Monday your skin has turned a slight shade of yellow because you’ve contracted jaundice.
But there is one part of Thanksgiving that I’m not crazy about…
The Turkey
I don’t love turkey. If turkey requested me to be a friend on Facebook, I would accept him, but I would make it so he couldn’t see certain parts of my profile. I just don’t think it tastes that great. It’s OK… I mean I’ve eaten worse… but it’s just nothing to get excited about. It’s like meeting Ron Magers.
Not only is the taste not exciting, but the fact that it makes you sleepy just sucks. Before you eat turkey you feel as energetic as Ty Pennington. But by the end of your meal you feel like you’ve just finished up an orgy with the entire population of Beijing. And this is the time you are supposed to clean up. Cleaning up after Thanksgiving dinner makes me feel like Tito Jackson being woken up by Papa Joe at 3 am for an emergency rehersal of My Girl. It’s torture. All I want to do at that time is take a nap while whatever offensive show the TLC network is airing plays in the background.
I’m sure turkey was a huge deal at the first Thanksgiving. But back then tree bark was a delicacy. We’ve evolved. We have Fruity Pebbles now. And Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches. Can you imagine showing up to the first ever Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches? The place would have gone nuts! The pilgrims and indians would have had no time to fight each other because they’d all have irritable bowel syndrome. We could have avoided centuries of conflict and saved millions of lives. But no, the pilgrims had to have turkey. They ate, napped, woke up cranky, and decided to take everything they could from their dinner mates. Turkey turned religious pilgrims into crack addicts. It’s got to go.
