Prince Harry’s Fire Crotch to Light the Unity Candle at Royal Wedding
In a surprising announcement, the British Monarchy has announced that Prince Harry will take a very non-traditional role in April’s Royal Wedding. Instead of acting as best man for brother William, the only use the ceremony will have for Harry are his fire pubes.
“We believe that the role of best man would be too stressful for Harry. So we felt that we would put his red pubes to good use and have them light the unity candle. It’s a very special part of the ceremony, and Prince Ginger-Kid is thrilled to be a part of it.”
It’s Monday again. Shit. It seems like hours ago it was Friday. But one football game and six Jagerbombs later and here you are back at your desk. Don’t you hate Monday? Of course you do. Everybody hates Monday.
For this reason I feel bad for Monday. Nobody likes him. He’s like the nerd in high school, only he doesn’t grow up to be wildly successful and overwhelmingly attractive (I was a nerd). In a popularity poll, Monday would lose to stab wounds, anal warts, and the WNBA. But it’s not poor Monday’s fault that we hate him. He’s been a day of the week since the beginning of man, when the cavemen referred to him as “Ugh.” But a book was created that ruined Monday forever. The Bible.
In this book, God declares that the 7th day would be the day of rest, making the day after the 7th day a complete pain in the ass. It makes me wonder what Monday ever did to God to deserve this. Did he sleep with God’s girlfriend? Did he tickle God until he peed his robe? Did he talk God into contributing a large amount of his savings to the Bernard L. Madoff Securities Investment firm? Who knows? But whatever Monday did, God made sure that he would be hated by everyone for eternity.
I think that’s unfair. Just because God holds grudges like O.J. Simpson doesn’t mean we should all dislike Monday. Monday’s a weekday just like the rest of them. So in my attempt to stick up for the little guy, I’ve come up with three ways to help make you stop hating Monday so much.
Pretend Monday Has Cancer – You’re always nicer to someone when you think they’re dying. Why do you think we’ve tolerated the music of R.E.M. for so long?
Do the same for Monday. Pretend these are your last days with him. It’ll remind you of the good times you’ve had together. Remember that one Monday when your aunt died so you didn’t have to go into work? What an awesome day. It was almost as good as that other Monday when you contracted the swine flu and had to call in sick. Or remember that one Monday when you had to miss work because a judge was sentencing you to four months in prison for exposing yourself at your nephew’s little league game? And what about the next sixteen Monday’s after that? Remember? You didn’t have to wake up early for work any of those days.
In retrospect those would have been terrible Saturdays. But when it comes to Monday’s those are the best you’ve had, so reminisce about these great times. And keep in mind that Monday is dying, so you should cherish the final moments you have together. But don’t be mad at Monday when he eventually outlives you.
Move to Vegas – I’ve never spent more than three days in a row in Vegas because I’m afraid I’ll contract mad cow disease. But I imagine that the one benefit of living in Lucifer’s science experiment is that Monday’s are great. That’s the day when all of the tourists are gone. The puke has been cleaned off the sidewalks, the prostitutes you order arrive much quicker, and your annoying coworker who brags about his ability to count cards has been killed and buried out in the desert. As long as you don’t work in the business of marriage annulments, Monday is probably the best day of your week.
Find a Job You Love So Much That You’re Excited to Go into Work – And after you accomplish this, quit lying to yourself. You don’t love working at Borders as much as you pretend to. You’re just trying to make your successful friends jealous. Remember when you missed the birth of your first child because of the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? That sucked, right? It’s probably what caused your divorce. Oh, and guess what! Your underage coworkers were caught with that beer that you bought for them and had no problem telling the cops where they got it from. Isn’t that going to violate the terms of your parole? Uh oh. How much do you love your job now? Asshole.
An Editorial Where a Blogger with No Experience or Qualifications in the Field of Counseling Attempts to Solve your Martial Problems
Dear Seanssabbatical,
My husband and I are having problems. It seems like the flame that we once had in our marraige has extinguished. The passion is gone. We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore! Can you please help us recapture the sexual craving that we once had for each other?
A drinking game designed to make the movie Precious a little more precious
**The Precious Drinking Game should be played with at least one other person and exclusively with Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Beer, the highest calorie beer available**
The Rules
1. Every time Precious is mistreated, mistreat one of your friends by making them take two drinks.
2. Whenever you can tell that Precious has her eyes open, take a drink.
3. Each time Mariah Carey comes onto the screen, have everyone in the room take turns naming one of her songs without repeating. The person who cannot continue must drink the rest of their beer while the other players sing Mariah’s ‘Hero.’ If you don’t already know the lyrics (loser), please press play.
4. When Precious steals the bucket of chicken from Kickin Fried Chicken, chug your beer the entire time she is running away without taking a breath. When she is done running, stop drinking and catch your breath while she does the same.
5. Whenever a character is diagnosed with AIDS, pass your beer to your neighbor without looking at them and demand they take thirty-two drinks.
6. Every time Precious hits one of her classmates, hit the fridge for another beer and finish it before Precious whacks someone else. Hurry!
7. Take a drink any time Monique makes you laugh, because this isn’t one of her comedic roles. You should be ashamed of yourself. She put her heart and soul into this character, and you’re laughing? She won an Oscar for this damn it! You know what? Take two drinks because you’re pissing me off.
8. Every time Precious is the victim of child abuse, have everyone share a story about a time when they were the victims of abuse. The person who comes closest to crying has to chug a beer for being a pussy.
9. Each player has to end every sentence they say with, “Based on the novel Push by Sapphire.”
Example: “Can we pause the movie so I can pee… based on the novel Push by Sapphire?”
If a player fails to do this, start the movie over.
