This Halloween, many ladies out there will be dressing up as a slutty (insert animal, hospital employee, or slut). This is the one day a year that (most) women can get away with this without winding up dead under a bridge. That’s the beauty of Halloween: it’s a day where we can do things that would normally put us in jail. It’s the holiday equivalent of the Neverland Ranch. And dressing like a witch hooker is only one of the many things that society lets slide on Satan’s birthday…
Things You Can Only Get Away With on Halloween
Animal Cruelty – I know you think that your dog Izabelle looks sooooo cute in her bunny rabbit costume. But I have news for you: Izabelle hates wearing it more than she hates the vacuum cleaner, thunderstorms, and Michael Vick’s backyard. It’s the most uncomfortable thing a dog experiences outside of having its testicles removed, and even that seems like a day at the Doggie Sybaris in comparison. (Doggie Sybaris is my billion dollar idea. It’s a romantic hotel room where dogs can feel free to hump anything and everything without the interruption of human giggles.)
Soliciting at No Soliciting Houses – When a No Soliciting sign is put on a person’s door, they are not only telling you that they’re elderly Caucasians, but they are also requesting that you not bother them for anything. On Halloween, that No Soliciting sign is as useful as a No Daddy Issues sign at an Insane Clown Posse concert. Although these people allow no soliciting 364 days a year, this day they will open their doors to any kid asking for candy. As a prank, tell your children that when they go to a house with a No Soliciting sign on Halloween, they’re not supposed to say “trick or treat”; instead, tell them to say, “I’m here to talk to you today about the benefits of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.”
Wearing The Clothes You Wore When You Decapatated Your Neighbor – Typically, it’s just the blood stained shirt you wear when you’re alone to remind you of better times. But on Halloween, there is no reason to hide the evidence that the FBI has been searching for since 1997. You can go to the store, eat at a restaurant, and even attend your nieces baptism in this bloody garb, as long as the date is October 31st. You’ll even get compliments on it! But don’t get cocky. You will not receive the same positive response if you wear it to Easter Brunch at your parents house. And if you do, it explains a lot about why you turned out the way you did.
Impersonating a Police Officer – Hundreds of thousands of kids dressed as police officers get away with this crime on Halloween every year. No matter how many times I call the cops on October 31st when I see these delinquints, my requests for their arrest, jail time, and eventual lethal injection is ignored.
Because of the swarm of people running around dressed as cops, it’s hard to know when you’re getting arrested on Halloween. To figure this out, I suggest reaching for their gun when they attempt to put you in handcuffs. If the gun is fake, you proved that you knew they were just wearing a costume. If the gun is real, get ready for all the gay sex that you can handle.
Bustin Out The Ole’ Nazi Suit That You Keep In The Basement – Because of your grandfather’s sketchy past, society frowns upon you boasting about his impressive Third Reicht military ranking. But on Halloween, you can wear his medal ridden uniform with pride. Sure, some may think that the costume is insensitive. But there’s kids walking around wearing Freddie Krugger costumes, and that guy has killed almost as many people as your grandpa did, so what’s their problem!?!
Last Friday I used my 40-minute train ride to try and write an entire blog. This is what I got.
40 MINUTES TO GO
A girl in front of me on the train the other day was texting like crazy. Since I had no books to read and nothing to write with, I decided to pass my time by reading her texts. At first they were pretty standard. “I’ll be home soon:)” “What’s for dinner?” Boring stuff like that. But then she texted a guy named John, who I’m guessing she just started dating. The text said, “On the train thinking about you, and I’m all smiles.” This seemed sweet, only there was one problem: she wasn’t smiling. I saw her reflection in the window and she wasn’t even grinning. John texted back a minute later, saying “Awww, thanks!:)” I thought to myself, ‘Poor John. He has no idea that he’s in a new relationship with a liar.’ I tried to see if I could see his number in her phone so I could text him and let her know that she wasn’t smiling, but the phone didn’t show it. Sorry John. What if it as John Cougar Mellencamp? Then I really feel bad.
34 MINUTES TO GO
I wonder if they caught the Hamburgler. I haven’t seen him around for years. I bet some angry mother complained about the character so much to the McDonald’s executives that they decided to get rid of him. I bet that she argued that he promoted theft. I mean yeah, he definitely did, but so what? That’s not the reason this woman’s son got caught stealing baseball cards at the Kane County Cougars game. He was stealing to try and be cool, something he’s forced to do because his angry mother spends all of her energy embarrassing him with her angry rants at restaurants, video stores, and PTA meetings. I hate this imaginary woman I’ve made up. But her son seems pretty cool. I hear he steals.
27 MINUTES TO GO
An automated message just came on the speaker of the train reminding everyone to report any suspicious activity or abandoned bags to the train crew. I don’t think I would do that. I’m too afraid of reporting a false alarm to the train conductor. The train would be forced to stop, it would be searched by the feds, and in the end everyone on the train is 4 hours late to get home on a Friday because I thought the abandoned bag of Fun Dip I found was anthrax. That sounds awkward. I think I’d rather just die from anthrax.
23 MINUTES TO GO
Why as it fashionable in the 80s for women to wear shoulder pads? That was a gross fashion trend.
22 MINUTES TO GO
A woman just sneezed two rows ahead of me and got snot everywhere. I wouldn’t have noticed, but after she sneezed, she said “OH MY GOD!!” This made me look up, only to see boogers hanging from her nose. I find it odd that she would draw so much attention to herself. I guess she’s just really honest and didn’t want to lie about getting snot everywhere. That kind of honesty reminds me of a story from when I was in 2nd grade. I wrote a girl a fake love letter and signed it “Robert,” one of the guys from my class who I hated. It became a big issue, so much so that the teacher got involved. Suspecting me as the possible culprit, she pulled me aside and asked me if I knew who did it. I nodded, looked her in the eyes and said, “David.” I didn’t like David either.
20 – 13 MINUTES TO GO
(At this point a lady with a spiked mullet walked through the train. I compared her to Ivon Drago’s wife in Rocky IV, and then talked about how Sylvester Stallone probably can’t read. I’m skipping my rambling on this subject because I talked about Rocky IV in my previous blog. But I guess I mentioned it in this post anyways…)
12 MINUTES TO GO
Why did Brett Favre have to wait until I don’t hate him that much to have embarrassing pictures of his penis posted on the internet? That would have been awesome when I was twelve and he was ruining all of my winters as quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. Now I’m trying to force myself to enjoy the humiliation he’s feeling for having his gens posted all over the web. It’s like finding out that your girlfriend from first grade who dumped you is now fat. I mean, do you really care? It was first grade. And why were you dating at such a young age? The adult supervision at your grade school was terrible.
5 MINUTES TO GO
I think I’m going to stop here. My hand hurts. If this train crashes before I get home, these will be my last noted thoughts. It’s a shame that I spent so much time talking about Brett Favre’s penis.
OBAMA ATTEMPTS TO STRIP THE 1980 U.S. OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM OF THEIR GOLD MEDALS, PROVING HE’S A COMMUNIST!
The rumors are true. The 44th President of the United States is a Commie. Touche, Tea Party. Touche.
The surprising news came earlier today, when it was reported that our Commander and Chief secretly attempted to strip America of its most celebrated achievement in sports history.
On the brink of passing a bill that would help prevent childhood obesity (a piece of legislation that, ironically, that was already being labeled as ‘communist’ by the Republican Party), Independent congressman Bernard Sanders discovered a clause in the proposal that would declare the 1980 Russian Olympic Hockey Team the gold medal recipients, forcing the American team to give up the hardware.
This news comes a week after it was rumored that the President referred to the ending of Rocky IV as bullshit during a fundraising event in Philadelphia, claiming that Ivan Drago would have “literally destroyed the Italian Stallion.”
Even more shocking is the recent picture taken of the 1980 Russian Hockey Team’s Left Winger Valeri Kharlamov.
Most of what I really need
To know about how to live
And what to do and how to be
I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top
Of the graduate school mountain,
But there in the sandpile in the late 80s.
These are the things I learned:
Farting is hilarious
The word ‘fart’ is also hilarious
First graders are scary
If you get caught doing something wrong, blame it on a foreigner (sorry Hajjaj)
Boogers are delicious
Sixth graders smell
Identical twins have mothers who are witches
Withdrawals from a 401k retirement savings account before the holder reaches the age of 59 1/2 are subject to an excise tax which can be up to 20% of the amount withdrawn — on top of the income tax that must be paid on that money
Any guy who admits to liking Paula Abdul songs is a wuss
Any guy who doesn’t secretly like Paula Abdul songs is an idiot
The ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese is a great place for urination
Mustached men who insist that you get into their car should only be trusted if offering candy
There’s something incestuous going on with the Hardy Boys
Today I had training for a job that I’ve had for a few months. Yes, for those of you who don’t know, I have a job. I know it’s tough to hear. I apologize. I know this makes me uncool. But to be honest, I’ve never really been that cool anyways. If over the past year you’ve ever thought, “I wish I were more like Sean,” you weren’t wishing to be cool. You were just wishing you didn’t have a job.
For my training, I had to travel to an office that I had never been to before. When I got there, I was greeted by a few people I had talked to but never met face to face. After a minute of introductions, they took me to my temporary office for the day.
Nothing makes a man feel more important than having their own office. Even though it was only temporary, it made me feel like Matt Roloff.
I looked around my brand new (temporary) office. After a few moments, I noticed a device sitting by the computer that appeared to be a garage door opener.
A garage door opener seemed pretty out of place, so I investigated the contraption. I looked at it from every angle, and after a few minutes of review, I was beginning to doubt that it was what I thought it was. I started to think that it was used to turn off the lights or open up a drawer or something. So I pressed the button on it. The red light on top of it lit up when I did that, but nothing happened. Already bored of playing with a possible garage door opener, I put it down and started to get situated.
A few moments later, I found myself back to thinking about the device. If it was in fact used to turn off the lights or open up a drawer, I would probably have to point it at the lights or the drawer to make it work. So I started pointing it at different areas in the room while frantically pressing the button. Nothing hapened. I figured that someone just left their garage door opener in the office, and if I was lucky, I had just made their garage door go up and down.
I put down the thing and started opening up my work email account. As I was doing so, a woman from the front desk hurried into my office and asked, “Are you okay?!?”
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.”
Next thing I know, a security guard runs into the office.
“WHAT’S GOING ON?!?”
“I don’t know. What?”
“WHY DID YOU PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON?!?”
That’s right. The panic button.
The garage door opener was actually a panic button that is only supposed to be used in the case of an extreme emergency. When I pressed it the first time, a signal went to the security office that someone at my desk had an emergency. Thinking it was probably hit by mistake, the security guard casually started traveling to my office. Then when I started to press the button numerous times a minute later, the security guard got a message from her office: “HURRY!!!! THE PANIC BUTTON IS GOING OFF LIKE CRAZY!!!” Hearing this message, the security guard was forced to run to me.
As soon as security was in my office, about five other coworkers immediately followed. The room was full of people when the guard asked me, “WHY DID YOU PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON?!?!”
My response:
“I thought it might open a drawer.”
The guard was confused.
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was a button you pressed to open a drawer or turn off the lights or something.”
There was a moment of silence.
Then everyone started laughing, including the guard. What started out as an intense emergency situation turned into a laugh riot in the matter of seconds. The security guard went to the phone at my desk and called her office.
“Hey, it’s me. No, no emergency. A guy here thought it was used to open drawers. Yeah, I know! OK, I’m coming back.”
She hung up the phone, put the panic button in front of my face, and said, “don’t press this unless someone has a gun to your head.”
Then she put the button far away from my reach so I wouldn’t do it again. Everyone continued to laugh as they left my temporary office.
I looked at the clock.
It was 9:04 am.
I had managed to cause major chaos within the first 4 minutes of meeting everyone.
I don’t know how many people have seen this, but last week my nemesis, Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz, couldn’t stop giggling while answering a parliamentary question about imports of cured meats. Here’s the video.
Hearing a swiss man giggle while talking about spiced meats is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. I can’t even pretend to dislike him tonight.
I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… but I think I’m starting to like you…
