© Sean Milnamow 2009
Sep
28
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
With Without
Sep
17
Your body is distorted, you got a toe in your mouth, three sets of genitals are resting in your ear, and a stranger’s tongue is resting on your lower back. Then a voice demands you to move your right leg without letting your butt touch the ground, or else!
This isn’t an Iraqi prison camp… this is the game of Twister.
Twister. What is there to say? You lay down a mat with friends and family and rub up against one another like it was cocaine party at John Phillip’s house.
I’ve been trying to think of an appropriate age where a boy or man should play this filthy game. This is what I came up with…
For a boy, age 2-9, this game actually isn’t that bad. There’s an innocence in boys that age that cannot be denied, and to them this game suggests nothing inappropriate… it’s just a game Uncle Keith insists watching you play by yourself after he’s had too much Root Beer Schnapps. Unfortunately, these kids are too short to play the game correctly. They cannot put their right hand on blue when their left foot is on green. Who do you think they are? Greg Turner from Grade 6?
Sure, there are some 8 or 9-year-olds that are tall enough for Twister, but those kids are freaks that already have armpit hair and an addiction to nicotine. Trust me, those kids should be locked up instead of playing a game brought to us by Parker Brothers.
When a boy is 10, he is finally tall enough to play this game, and Twister all of a sudden seems like a good physical activity for the kid. But guess what? It’s not a good idea. Why? Because every 10-year-old has a friend who showed them their uncle’s pornography stash before they were emotionally ready to see such filth. Making physical contact with another human being, a requirement in the naughty world of Twister, is the last thing this kid wants to do. This goes on for two years.
Now the boy is 12. He’s no longer freaked out by the snuff film their buddy showed them, and he is ready to show off his Twisting skills. HOLD THAT THOUGHT. 12-year-old boys smell like Long John Silvers burps and get accidental erections. You might as well play around in the dumpster at the expired baby food/cucumber factory. This problem doesn’t end until the boy is in college.
Now the boy is a 19-year-old man. His boners is under control, axe deodarent body makes him smell like The Situation, and his body type is perfect to play the game of Twister. But unfortunately, he’s now at the age where it’s creepy to even suggest it.
Any guy that suggests Twister at 19 is looking to purposely grab female body parts while pretending it’s an accident. “What can I do?!?! It’s Twister!!” will be the excuse. This person will also have Shakespearian facial hair, roofies stashed in the inside pocket of his trench coat, and polaroids in his wallet of women in the dressing room at JC Penny. Stay away from this guy. He makes pipe bombs.
So when is it appropriate for a man to play Twister? Not until he is in his mid-forties and experiencing an uncomfortable silence at his first key party. It’s only then that Twister’s sexual playfulness is appropriate and useful.
Sep
14
1. George Washington – Invented peanut butter.
2. John Adams – Named after the high school in Boy Meets World.
3. Thomas Jefferson – Principal author of “The Declaration of Independence,” ghost writer of “Ramona and her Mother.”
4. James Madison – Called Betsy Ross the “c” word.
5. James Monroe – Elected on accident by people who were voting for James Madison.
6. John Quincy Adams – Named after the guy who was named after the high school in Boy Meets World
7. Andrew Jackson – Biological father of Tito.
8. Martin Van Buren – Inspired the automobile where soccer moms most frequently get impregnated.
9. William Henry Harrison – Who?
10. John Tyler – Terrorist.
11. James K. Polk – Worst farts out of all the presidents.
12. Zachary Taylor – Named by someone from the future.
13. Millard Fillmore – Hoarder.
14. Franklin Pierce – Smelled like pee.
15. James Buchanan – Had hairless armpits.
16. Abraham Lincoln – Easy to sneak up on.
17. Andrew Johnson – Ate a unicorn.
18. Ulysses S. Grant – Didn’t really exist.
19. Rutherford B. Hayes – Who?
20. James A. Garfield – Hated dogs, loved lasagna.
21. Chester A. Arthur – Nicknamed “Chester the Molester.”
22. Grover Cleveland – Hope you bought your Valtrex…
23. Benjamin Harrison – Stand-in.
24. Grover Cleveland – …the herpes of American Presidents.
25. William McKinley – Very ticklish.
26. Theodore Roosevelt – Hosted the White House’s first furry convention.
27. William Howard Taft – Spoke Klingon.
28. Woodrow Wilson – Tried to get rid of Oklahoma.
29. Warren G. Harding – Never wore sleeves.
30. Calvin Coolidge – Surprisingly nerdy.
31. Herbert Hoover – Sucked.
32. Franklin D. Roosevelt – Hosted the White House’s last furry convention.
33. Harry S. Truman – “S” stood for Snooki.
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower – Starred in the Police Academy movies.
35. John F. Kennedy – Suffered from “Lincoln Luck.”
36. Lyndon B. Johnson – Got his job the same way Richard Brooks got the lead in the sequel to The Crow.
37. Richard Nixon – Who?
38. Gerald Ford – Chronic maturbator.
39. Jimmy Carter – Actual last name is Gibbler.
40. Ronald Reagan – Thinks he’s still alive.
41. George H. W. Bush – Has defective sperm.
42. Bill Clinton – Chubby chaser.
43. George W. Bush – Stellar porn name.
44. Barack Obama – Distrusts Hans-Rudolf Merz.
Sep
3
It’s the blog that I’ve gotten the most grief about. It’s the blog that has caused strangers to curse me out and tell me how terrible I am. It’s the blog that has caused family members to change their last name and un-invite me to holiday parties.
That’s right, I’m talking about my blog titled…
I have never heard anything good about this post. In fact, I still get emails from people leaving comments on how stupid it was. The most recent was a delight. Two weeks ago I logged into my email to find a message with the subject ”FUCK YOU,” and a message stating “THEY SUCKED SOOOOOOOOO BAD.” Another stranger informed me that, “Dude, u suck.” While the intention of the blog was for it to be so bad that it was good (like the movie Schindler’s List), it apparently missed the mark.
After this much criticism, you’d think I’d be tempted to delete this blog from the website.
But I’m going the opposite direction, and giving my most despised blog….
AN AUDIO TRACK!!!!!
Let the hilarity begin!
Yo momma gets nosebleeds!
Yo momma so fat, there’s an Amber Alert out for her belly button!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, she thought running for president meant running to the Jewel to buy President’s Choice cookies! (optional: “And they some nasty cookies!”)
Yo momma gave my dog rabies!
Yo momma’s toenails are so sharp, they were used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson!
Yo momma’s so clueless, she thought 9/11 was 0.818181!
Yo momma so poor and desperate, she brought Monopoly money to the currency exchange!
Yo momma’s eyebrows are so thick, Alan Thicke sued her! (with this one, quickly go into another “yo momma” joke before people realize that it doesn’t make sense)
Yo momma ate the library!
Yo momma’s missing!
Yo momma so dumb, she thought the vacuum cleaner was a device to clean her vacuum!
Yo momma so stupid, she thought she was putting farts into her gas tank!
Yo momma’s head so big, kids hope she gets dandruff so they can get a day off of school!
Yo momma’s a truck driver!
Yo momma’s so manly, she’s Burt Reynolds!
Yo momma’s dead!
Yo momma went to DeVry!
Yo momma’s so boring, she’s from Montana!
Yo momma eats so much food, she gonna get diabetes!
Yo momma likes flavors and winter so much, she ate Vanilla Ice!
Yo momma so old, she knew the thirteenth president of the United States! (if the person replies with, “You mean Millard Fillmore?” come back with, “Dang, you’s a nerd!)
Yo momma eats’ bugs!
Yo momma has so many seizures… is she ok?
