Meet Gerald Mortinson, the most exciting talent to enter into the motivational speaking world since Darrel Blonder.
Mr. Gerald Mortinson
Gerald began his journey into the profession of motivational speaking a little over a year ago, and he has been taking the lackadaisical business world by storm! With a knack for yelling at strangers and treating children like they don’t exist, Mr. Mortinson will inspire even the most unmotivated business associate to become a model employee!
“Gerald spent a long time talking about his vasectomy at one of our quarterly corporate gatherings. He seemed pretty proud of it. Then he cried in front of us for what seemed like an eternity. Later on that day I went back to my desk and got more work done than I ever had before. His approach is unconventional, but effective.” – Phil Harris
Effective is Gerald’s in-your-face technique, which has proven to be one of the greatest weaponsin his motivation arsenal! He will tell you how it is, and how it needs to be when you are dealing with complicated life choices!
“Gerald called one of our finest female employees a “fat communist” in front of everybody. Then he vomited on the VP of Operations and punched him in the mouth. I was shocked. But productivity went up in the office by 200% the following month. Even though he may need to be committed, his method works.” – Louis Drefus
And committed he will be! Committed to go to great lengths to motivate everyone he meets!
“He followed me home from work. He kept referring to me as his “future wife” and said that he wanted to make a doll out of my toes. I wanted to call the police, but he told me that he would kill my parents if I did. It was that threat that motivated me to work hard and make my family proud while they’re still around to watch me succeed. Thanks for the inspiration, Gerald!” – Jennifer Harper
Gerald is willing to go that extra mile to make employee morale skyrocket all the way to Planet Success! He’s even shared some rough stories from his troubled past to increase company productivity, a technique that the people at the John Deere Corporation experienced firsthand!
“He told us a really weird story from his childhood. I don’t want to go into what it was about, but I guarantee you that it was very inappropriate for the workplace. The visuals he brought made it even worse. We eventually had to walk out because we were afraid we were participating in some sort of illegal demonstration. Dozens of our employees quit that day. But guess what? Their leaving opened up our payroll and gave us the revenue we needed to pursue a different business strategy. Now we’re back on top! And even better, our employees have stopped complaining about their jobs after hearing his shocking testimonial. It was sad… but genius.” – Craig Jensen
Sad he is… sad that he can’t be at more than one place at a time! He wants nothing more than to spread his motivation all over the world!
“He doesn’t seem to be very fond of Asians.” – Julie Andrews
He’s not very fond, he’s extremely fond! Fond of everyone and everything!
“He kicked me out of his speech because I was deaf.” – Kevin Deers
There’s no way of proving that, just like there’s no way you can miss out on the motivational stylings of Gerald Mortinson, an ex-escaped felon turned motivational guru!
Please contact us today if you are interested in Gerald Mortinson giving your company the makeover it needs to go from Corporate Geek to Corporate Sheik!
For all of my hippie readers out there, get ready to lose your faith in seanssabbatical.com.
If you look to the left and down, you’ll notice that Google is now putting ads on my website.
Go ahead. Click on one. I think when you do, I get .001th of a penny. If a trillion people click on one, I can turn this website into my career.
If anyone is surprised at my choice to be a sell out, you shouldn’t be. If you read my material, it’s obvious that everything I post on this site is done so with the intent to get me into Ashton Kutcher’s social circle.
What I like the most about having Google put ads on this site is that it shows that Google believes that I’m only entertaining to the obese. I’m not sure if the ads will be updated by the time this is posted, but the ones that I initially saw on my website went as follows…
The first ad was about a surgical obesity center, the second ad was titled “Recipe to Lose Belly Fat,” and the final ad was about Bariatric Surgery. Bariatric Surgery is a weight loss surgery for the morbidly obese.
So it’s obvious that Google thinks I’m obese, and that my readers struggle with weight as well. I’m sorry everyone. I know Google just called us fat, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m like the wimpy nerdy kid and Google is like the quarterback of the football team. But unlike an 80’s teen dramedy, I can’t gain the strength to beat up the quarterback after hearing him insult my readers. Just let Google say anything he wants about us. I’m sure in the end he’ll realize the error of his ways and apologize to us at our 20 year class reunion.
To any readers that decide that my website has become too corporate and will no longer visit it, I’m sorry to lose your support. But have fun being fat.
For those of you who stay on board, enjoy a much healthier lifestyle full of Belly Fat Loss Recipes and multiple Bariatric Surgeries.
This is only the beginning. I want to sell out more and more every month, to the point where you can’t even read my material until you click through at least three dozen ads promoting dangerous weight loss products.
America is cranky. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed. Even Rachel Ray seems like she’s in a bad mood. It’s frightening.
Collectively, the country has been complaining about everything and anything for the past couple of years. America has turned into Nancy Grace. We hate our government. We hate Dane Cook. We hate reality television. We hate the weather. We hate the dentist. We hate lower back tattoos. We hate our promiscuous neighbor. We hate our promiscuous neighbor’s lower back tattoo. We even hate the French, and we’re not exactly sure why.
So why is America so cranky? Is it unemployment? Nah. We can all use a vacation. Is it the deficit? Of course not. We always have a deficit. That’s why we reproduce… so our kids can pay it off.
Then what is it? What is it that has turned the entire country into an elderly woman at a booth-less restaurant? Well, it’s obvious.
We haven’t gotten over the death of Fred “Rerun” Berry.
He was America’s sweetheart, and like a widow that believes their loved was taken from them too soon, we’re bitter about his untimely departure. We feel like we’ve been cheated. It all happened so quickly. One day he was saying “hey hey hey,” and the next day we were saying “bye bye bye.”
(That was my best joke in months. Sit back, reflect on it, and enjoy a long hearty laugh. Then continue reading… or don’t. That might be the funniest this blog entry gets.)
Once Rerun left us, we forgot how to act. His pleasant demeanor and boisterous personality reminded us that we need to treat everyday like we were hired to be a part of “The Rockets” and shrug off our problems like it was an insult thrown at us from Raj’s little sister Dee (Are these references a little too obscure? If so, please refer to the * at the bottom of the page, or simply just trust the fact that it was hilarious and laugh regardless). Once he was gone, we quickly forgot these valuable lessons.
We all need to let go. As much as we want him back, it’s not going to happen. Once we realize this, we’ll stop getting so worked up about trivial things such as child abductions, devastating oil spills, and declining life expectancy rates, and we’ll start enjoying life again. Once we do, you can expect occurrences like this to break out in local diners all around our beautiful country.
Cheer Up America!
* “The Rockets” were a fictional band that Rerun enjoyed on the show What’s Happening!! During one episode, Rerun was hired to be part of their band. Unfortunately it’s discovered that they only wanted him because they thought his weight was humorous (typical 70s obesity humor). As for Dee and Reruns relationship, they fought more than the couple on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Before you start casting stones at me, know that my blog means the world to me. I would step in front of oncoming traffic for it.* I would walk into a burning building if it was being displayed on a computer screen that was inside.* I would even propose to it if it were in female form.** It’s not like I’ve fallen out of love with my blog (I plan to name my first child www.seanssabbatical.com), I just found an opportunity to write for another website as well.
The website is www.jockism.com
It’s a sports satire website that I was approved to write for. So far I’ve written about John Starks being accidentally googled by a John Stamos fan, the CIA discovering that professional wrestling is real, a Golden Girl marathon getting higher ratings than the World Cup Final, and more.
Even though I will be contributing to this other website, I promise that I wont be neglecting seanssabbatical. It’s my first love, and I’m not popular enough to neglect it yet (for a comparison, if this were a movie about the rise of a rock star, this would be the beginning where I was still with my long time girlfriend, seanssabbatical. It’ll be years before I acquire a major drug problem and cheat on seanssabbatical with yahoo.com).
So if you need a bigger fix of my writing and aren’t satisfied with this website, log onto the other one and enjoy a little sports humor. But then immediately come back to this site and apologize to it for being unfaithful.
After a week and a half of anticipation, the deadline has passed and the winner of the Seanssabbatical Sentence Writing Contest has been chosen!
Before I list the top five, I want the trillions of people who entered the contest to know how much I appreciate you writing a sentence about what this website means to you and showing your support. I didn’t even know that there were that many people residing on planet Earth.
Because of the mass amounts of responses, it was tough trying to figure out who should win. But in the end, after a lot of soul searching, night terrors, and nosebleeds, I have chosen the top five.
#5 “Reading your blog is nothing more than rehabilitation for my bells palsy, my deepest apologies for my honesty.” – Chris L.
This was followed by a pie chart that listed how frequently the author laughs at my blog (when he reads it after being drunk from the night before, he laughs 22% of the time). Unfortunately I was unable to get the pie chart to post on this website, but the sentence above, along with the proven understanding of the Microsoft Excel spreadsheet application, made this a top five choice.
#4 “Seanssabbatical is not only a religious experience whenever a new blog is posted, but also a way for me to forget about oil spills, gang riots, and the fact that Sean may be poor by the end of the year if he doesn’t get a real job.” – Kyle M.
I like how the author points out how these are difficult times we are living in. Although this is a comedy website, it is important to point out that there is nothing funny about the oil spill in the Gulf.
Well, maybe seeing pictures of seagulls covered in oil is kind of funny…
(OMG, he’s so slimy! LOL!)
#3 “To me Sean’s Sabbatical is the light of hope, hope that maybe there is life outside of the office, where our dreams become reality and we can go bowling by ourselves on a weekday afternoon.” – Jodie S.
It’s true. I frequently go bowling solo during weekdays. Me, senior citizens, and teenage runaways take advantage of $1 bowling and $0.50 licorice ropes every Wednesday. It’s the good life, and a great observation by the author.
Picking the winner between the top two was extremely difficult. Both authors used the comma like it was a period. But since seanssabbatical is a website for bad boys who break all the rules, I looked past the mockery they made of sentence formation.
In the end I had to make the tough choice, and I’m proud to announce the second place runner-up.
#2 “Sean’s Sabbatical has been the gloriously dim, flickering light guiding me toward ignorant, reality-show bliss each and every nonconsecutive day for the past year of my uninspired and unmotivated life, and in all its mockumental H-R Merz-bashing stupenditude, it has truly made me intend to throw away my employment, security, and social life to build a blog of my own some day.” – Matthew W.
It’s a delightful sentence. Although I can’t confirm that “stupenditude” is actually a word, I use it daily now. I’m also glad to hear that this website has motivated others to make terrible career choices. People can stop blaming Obama about the unemployment rate and start blaming me.
Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The sentence that beat out the competition.
And the winner is…
#1 “Seanssabatical.com is a constant reminder that while I wake up and go to work at 6 am, Sean is on his 13th Old Style watching “The Hills” Reruns with an unwashed sticky taint thinking of funny and unique ways to call me a girl, printing unfair assumptions about dreamy Joran van der Sloot, and fantasizing about an extremely handsome Swiss Politician Pedophile.” – Brian M.
With the use of the word taint (a first time on seanssabbatical), as well as the admiration the author has for Joran van der Sloot, this sentence squeaked by the competition and made it into the number one slot. Along with an autograph picture of myself and a lifelong subscription to seanssabbatical.com (an estimated net worth of $0.00), the winner will have the responsibility honor of financially supporting me when I run out of money. In fact, a Paypal account will be set up soon so he can transfer the money I’ll need to buy the stamp required to send the autographed picture. Congrats!
Thanks again to everyone who participated, and to everyone who takes the time to read the blogs I write. It has made my sabbatical completely worth it, no matter how many weird things I may be doing for money by Christmas.
Lastly, I want to give an honorable mention to the contestant who didn’t make it into the top five, but came very close with the sentence, “Seanssabbatical ate my baby.” – Jackelyn H. It was touching and hopefully untrue.
I want to make a watch that just says the word PERCOLATOR. That way, it will always be time for the percolator.
The watch would have The Percolator programmed onto it, and if a stranger in a white dress were to approach you in a crowded area wondering what time it was, you could just show her your watch, press the music button, and let this happen…
Joe Grokin, a twenty one year old college dropout, has trained his whole life to become a pushup champion. A month before Nationals, Joe loses both of his arms while trying to start the wave at a helicopter expose.
Seemingly having lost his ticket to becoming the pushup king, Joe decides to ignore medical advice and keep the dream alive by strengthening his tongue. After a month of rigorous training, his tongue becomes strong enough to replace his arms, and as the competition comes near, Joe’s moveable mouth organ becomes his only shot at at living his dreams.
It is approaching a year since I started my sabbatical, and to commemorate this historical event I’ve decided to have a contest for my dozens of adoring readers.
The Contest
Write a sentence about what seanssabbatical.com means to you, and email it to seanssabbatical@gmail.com. You can be funny, dark, mean, insulting, degrading, honest, dishonest, tragic, whatever. But you can only use one sentence. And it must be in English. Because of the public school system I can’t speak a second language. I also don’t know where Germany is.
I will be choosing my top five favorite sentences, and if I choose yours as the best, not only will I publish it on this insanely popular website with the other four, but I will also send you an autographed picture of myself!
The contest will end on Friday, July 16th at 6 p.m., and the winner will be announced on Monday, July 19th. Full discretion will be used when announcing the winner since I’m guessing that most of my readers have legal troubles. For example, if your name is The Unabomber, I will list you as T. Unabomber.
If you have any questions about this contest, please refer to the paragraphs above since I explained it pretty clearly.
Seanssabbatical is not only a comedy website that has been forced to point out the wrongdoings of Hans-Rudolf Merz; it is also a thriving business that helps single men with their online dating usernames.
The Seanssabbatical Username Generating Team guarantees to utilize every single character available to you when creating the perfect online handle. Within days your online dating life will be served in two flavors: HOT and EXTRA SPICY! Not convinced? Check out our track record!
Success Stories
An unpopular man-child that worked at the mole exhibit in a children’s petting zoo in St. Claire, Rhode Island came to us in dire need of a good username. He felt that it wasn’t his looks or his profile, but his online username that was leading to his misfortunes. After hearing about the passion he had for his work, as well as the love that he had for his hometown, we took care of all of his popularity issues.
Username: ChildMoleStR
“Now I’m listed on a ton of child predator websites!” – Charles, St. Clarire, RI.
Looks like your popularity is already on the rise, Charles! You’re welcome!
A man came to us from Gina, South Carolina. We immediately knew how to utilize his 7 character maximum.
Username: ManGina
“I’m getting a lot of tranny’s contacting me.” – Gerald, Gina, SC
TMI Gerald! But you’re welcome!
A man who was in line to inherit the African Race Estate came to us with hat in hand. Although he was a future millionaire, he didn’t know how to utilize this fact in order to score with the ladies. We came up with a username that let women know of the estate to which this man was soon to become the sole proprietor.
Username: RaceEst1
“Since utilizing your service, I’ve frequently been getting pamphlets from the Klu Klux Klan” – Chris, Norridge, NY
What is that, a swingers community? You’re welcome!
A fellow came to us months ago with one of the most peculiar cases we’ve ever dealt with. He wanted to pay homage to his deceased parents, but didn’t want to get a tattoo. Instead, he wanted to honor their memory in his online username. We swiftly took over from there. He was allowed 12 characters, so our team got together and decided to use the initials of his mother and father. His dad’s name was Larry Edward Rollins, and his mother’s maiden name was Harriet Ingrid Tomlin. We combined the initials, and because we’re gentlemen, we let the lady go first!
Username: H.I.T.L.E.R.
“I decided against using the username you gave me.” – Frank, Atlanta, GA
Enjoy your life alone, Frank! Don’t go blaming us this Valentine’s Day!
A guy from Portland contacted us a week back. He lacked self-confidence and the imagination it takes to create a wonderful username. We asked him what his greatest accomplishment was. He said it had to be the time that he destroyed his brother in a game of ping pong. We used the strongest synonym we could find for the word “destroy” to brag about Wes’ rather miniscule accomplishment.
Username: IMurderedMyBro
“Immediately after I used your service, I was arrested.” – Wes, Portland, OR
By the love police? You’re welcome!
Carl came to us with a question: “Do I brag about my donkey farm in my username, or should I mention how much I like liquor?” I told him, “You shouldn’t have to choose!” 10 characters later, this booze loving man with a passion for God’s lovely mistake of an animal was given the perfect username to brag about his two passions.
Username: AssLiquor
“Do you guys say your usernames out loud before assigning them?” – Carl, Stoneridge, MA
We don’t do anything that takes time away from servicing our clients! Thanks for noticing, and you’re welcome!
A husky gentlemen came to us wondering what to do with his 12 characters. We talked with him for a while. His name was Kim and he was an accomplished underwear salesman. Because of his rank within the company, coworkers referred to him as Sir, a suffix that he was particularly proud of. When I asked him what he wanted in a woman, he was very specific about having… well… a woman with generous proportions, particularly in the bosom area. No problem! We came up with what may be our most revealing name yet!
Username: UnSirKimSizD
“Why do anti-semitic women keep calling me?” Kim, Charleston, NC
Sounds like you’re fighting off the females left and right! You’re welcome!
So contact us immediately if you want to take your online dating profile to the next level. Otherwise, get used to a life of seclusion and loneliness.
America
(OMG, he’s so slimy! LOL!)
