The other day another obesity study was released, and once again the Americans are the World Champions!
If we all weren’t so out of shape, I’d suggest that we take a bow.
When these studies come out, everyone debates what the problem is. Our food isn’t healthy. We watch too much television. We’re lazy.
I think all of these reasons are bogus. I mean, we do eat unhealthy, we do watch too much television, and we are extremely lazy, but that’s not why we’re fat. The real culprit behind our need for numerous Big and Tall clothing stores is the sport that America neglects like it was a Gosselin child:
Soccer
Every other country in the world (excluding Canada… if we are even counting that as a country) loves soccer. They love watching it, they love playing it, and they love fighting over it. Unfortunately Americans seem to be the only ones in the world to understand one crucial detail about this beloved sport: it’s extremely boring.
I’ve tried to catch World Cup fever. Unfortunately because I’m American, it’s easier for me to contract HIV. Over the past couple of weeks, if I was sitting and watching soccer, I would almost immediately fall asleep. If I was already asleep and soccer was playing on the television, I would slip into a mild coma. It’s 89.9 minutes of kicking a ball back and forth and about .01 minutes of plays that can make a highlight reel. It makes televised bowling feel like the finale of M.A.S.H.
European countries don’t struggle with obesity like we do because they enjoy playing soccer. It’s an active sport where the players probably run about 5 miles a game, if not more. But the majority of us don’t waste our time with this sport because it’s dull. We have better ways to bore ourselves for 90 minutes. That’s what The History Channel is for.
What doesn’t help our obesity rate is the fact that the American pastime is considered to be baseball. When it comes to the physical activity required for a sport, baseball is just above darts.
Look at these guys…
Most baseball players probably run a total of 1 minute per game, and a majority that running typically takes place when the player is hurrying to the clubhouse to be first in line for the cheese buffet. But this is our pastime. Most of us are forced to play it for years when we are children, and it’s then that our inactive tendencies begin to develop.
But it could be worse… we could be playing soccer.
So when other countries point their skinny fingers at us Americans and our plus sized lifestyles, lets keep our gigantic heads up. Because although we may be big, at least we don’t enjoy soccer.
I went to the park today. While I was sitting on a bench, two 8-year-old girls walked by me. I didn’t mean to be a man in his late twenties eavesdropping on the conversation of preteens, but I couldn’t help but take notice of what they were talking about.
Girl #1 – Hey, do you think you have Bieber fever?
Girl#2 – Yeah, I think so. Do you?
Girl #1 – Yeah, big time. I even have one of his shirts.
I lol’d when I heard this.
Ten minutes later I watched a bunch of ducks fly into a pond, and one of the ducks wiped out and smacked his face into the water. Although I can’t be positive, I’m pretty sure that one of the other ducks started laughing at him.
Today I went to the gym, and for a while I was all by myself. Since the uncomfortable silence at that place makes it feel more like a monastery than a recreation center, I decided to pump up the volume on a t.v. that was airing the Game Show Network, a television station designed for stay at home dads and drinking games.
The first game show that was playing was an extremely old episode of Family Feud. I know it was old because Richard Dawson was the host and all the women looked like Charlie’s Angels.
I love Family Feud, but I’ve never seen episodes from the 70’s… and let me tell you, I was shocked to see how Mr. Dawson would kiss all the female contestants on the lips. This must have been before the canker sore era, cause that man was kissing anything in sight.
I was really taken aback when one young woman, who was probably around seventeen, kissed him. It felt very inappropriate to watch a senior citizen violate a minor on national television, but it got even worse. After the kiss he said that the kiss wasn’t satisfactory, so she seductively responded with, “I can do it again.” Then he kissed her once more…while her dad was standing right next to her.
Ew.
I had no idea The Feud was a show for sexually promiscuous families. I felt like I wasn’t old enough to be watching such mature material. It made me very uncomfortable.
The next show that was on was Deal Or No Deal.
I used to watch this show at least once a week, and I never saw anyone even come close to winning. But today there was a woman who had five cases to go, and the $1,000,000 case was still in play. While deciding what to do, the woman trying to win the million went to her friends for advice.
This part always upsets me. Every time someone is doing well on the show, one of their friends, typically an angry looking overweight blonde female, is insistent that the contestant continue to play. But I know it’s not because they feel like it’s a smart strategic move… it’s because they are jealous and don’t want their more fortunate and better looking friend to succeed. So in this instance, when she was guaranteed over $250,000 with five more cases to open, the contestant asked her friends what she should do. The angry overweight friend told her that, “I hate it when contestants say deal. Say “no deal!”"
What the hell kind of advice is that? On television this is a game that we are all far removed from, so of course when we are watching it we want the person to take a risk. But this is her friend. This is real. She could potentially throw away over $200,000 dollars by continuing to play. It’s like telling my friend that because I like watching him run over innocent bystanders when he plays Grand Theft Auto, I think he should plow his car through a crowded street festival.
The girl took her “friend’s” advice, and before we could see if this was a smart move, Howie sent us to commercial. Since I was done with my intense military-style workout (12 push ups spaced out in four sets of three and 2 minutes on the elliptical machine), I had to make a decision: stay another 5 minutes just watching television at a public gym or go home. I went home.
I don’t know what happened with this contestant. Maybe she went home with the million… or maybe she went home with $7 because she took financial advice from a woman whose only job is to raise hell at P.T.A. meetings and local video stores. Whatever the outcome, this episode proves that if you have a mean friend that has never wished you well, you should never invite them to be a consultant on Deal Or No Deal.
Please help me find my humor. I haven’t seen it in weeks. It’s my fault. I abused my humor. I forced it into a Seanssabbatical Megaweek, and it hasn’t been back since.
I can no longer think of anything funny to write. It’s been like this for a while. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed. Come on… Historical Figures and Their Favorite Movies? Not only was it not funny, but it was wildly inaccurate. I’m trying to tell people that Betsy Ross wouldn’t have enjoyed the film D2: The Mighty Ducks? Of course she would! Emilio Estevez was in it. Plus the mere concept of a moving picture would have entertained her to the point of a nosebleed. And Hitler would have liked Annie? No he wouldn’t! Annie was a red head. He would have had her executed before she left the orphanage.
I’ve sat here many times this month just staring at the computer screen and waiting for my humor to return… but it’s gone. I feel like my blog has turned into the show Frasier.
So I’ve decided to put out an Amber Alert for my humor. I’ve never really seen what my humor looks like, so when it comes to giving a physical description I can only make a guess…
My Humor
He’s probably a biter and extremely ticklish, so approach him with caution and without tickle fingers. But I need him back. This blog cannot survive without him. God knows we don’t want to go through another Yo Momma Joke blog. I had people I don’t even know telling me how much they hated that one.
So if you see my humor, please contact me. I can’t survive without him. Don’t believe me? I almost posted a blog of pick up lines, and one of them was, “If you weren’t Amish, I would take you to the movies. By the way, are you Amish?” WHAT IS THAT?!? I DON’T EVEN GET IT!!!
And Humor, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for exploiting you and forcing you to work so hard to make up for my average looks and funky body type. I promise to stop attempting to be witty. I promise no more Twilight jokes. I even promise to stop pretending to hit my head on glass doors in public places. I just need you back. Without you, I have the sense of humor of Joran van der Sloot.
The other day I listed my all time 20 favorite movies in order. I typed it out on this website, but I’m not going to publish it for two reasons: (1) It’s boring, and (2) I don’t want anyone to know just how much I love the movie Moulin Rouge.
Making this list made me think about historical figures and what their favorite and least favorite movies would have been if they were alive today. My guesses are below.
George Washington
Favorite Movie – The Craft. I don’t know why, I just have a feeling that G.W. had a thing for teenage witches. I bet he would have been at Walmart at midnight every time a season of Sabrina the Teenage Witch was released on DVD.
Least Favorite Movie – Jingle All The Way. This guy fought in an epic war for the freedom of this country. Watching Schwarzenegger and Sinbad going to war on Christmas Eve over a toy would make him wonder what it was all for. He would also probably be offended by Arnold’s accent.
Adolph Hitler
Favorite Movie – Annie. He could relate with the tyrant practices of Daddy Warbucks.
Least Favorite Movie – You Got Served. In the end, the dance squad with the blond hair blue eyed gentlemen loses, an ending that would not sit well the The Fuhrer.
Betsy Ross
Favorite Movie – Anything Brendan Frasier. Old women adore that guy,* and since today she would be 258 years old, she would really adore him.
Least Favorite Movie – D2: The Mighty Ducks. I imagine that she would really enjoy the first Mighty Ducks film, and like all of us, she would be wildly disappointed with the outrageous plot line of the the second one. Here’s a team that was terrible a year ago, and now they represent the USA in the amateur hockey Olympics? That’s impossible!
Anne Frank
Favorite Movie – Twilight. Every teenage girl loves that movie.
Least Favorite Movie – Any Given Sunday. Every teenage girl hates that movie.
*this statistic is 100% assumed. He must appeal to someone, and I know it’s not anyone in my age range.
Occasionally at a social function, someone will say that they hate something that I didn’t think anyone in the world hated. It’s always surprising to hear.
“Have you seen the new Charmin toilet paper commercial?”
“I hate toilet paper.”
“… really?”
It’s these type of occurences that have inspired me make a list of strange things to hate. If you happen to hate any of these things, we probably shouldn’t hang out anymore.
ASTONISHING THINGS TO HATE
The Grandma from Happy Gilmore
If you don’t like the grandma from Hapy Gilmore, you probably have a problem with grandmas in general. In fact, you are probably prejudiced against the elderly.
Oxymorons
Oxymorons are so fun. Jumbo shrimp, good grief, pool table, ugly Jonas brother… what’s not to like?
Condensation
If the reaction between two or more organic molecules leading to the formation of a larger molecule and the elimination of a simple molecule such as water or alcohol makes you angry, then I’m guessing that everything makes you angry.
Central Standard Time
It’s the best time zone in the country! Eastern is too late, Mountain is too confusing, and Pacific is for freaks. Don’t even get me started on the Hawaiian Time Zone… I think it’s still 2007 over there.
Clouds Shaped Like Animals
You may not prefer to see a cloud shaped like a bunny rabbit, but if you hate it then you were born without a human soul.
The Idea of Time Travel
Even if you hate the Back to the Future Trilogy, the concept of going back in time to hang out with your parents and a creepy scientist is too delightful to hate.
Having a Friend of a Friend
If you don’t like this, then you are way too possessive of your friend. You’re like The Cable Guy.
D-Day has arrived. After a year and some change, America’s super couple has decided to call it quits. No one, including Speidi, is more upset than me. Just a few weeks ago I was praising them for their book and all it has done for my entertainment career. Now they are on a fast track to divorce. Since I always felt like one of their children, I initially acted like any kid going through their parents divorce would and blamed myself.
If my behavior wasn’t so out of control, mommy and daddy would still be together.
If I got better grades, mommy and daddy would still love each other.
If I cleaned my room like they had asked, daddy wouldn’t be psychotic and mommy wouldn’t look like a lion.
After this brief period of self-accusation, I started to focus on their relationship. The more I examined it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this couple has decided to split.
Spencer’s Flesh Colored Beard
It’s no secret that this beard is gross. Look closely. It looks like a blond fifth graders leg hair. Every once in a while he would shave it off, but somehow this blond catastrophe always found it’s way back to his face. It’s like a boomerang of ugliness.
The Time Period When Heidi’s Surgery Hadn’t Healed
Lately, the more I see Heidi, the better she seems to look. But for weeks after she got her surgery she looked odd. I don’t care how strong a marriage is… if your wife is walking around for weeks looking like Michael Jackson, it’s going to affect the passion you once felt for her.
Enzo
What originally was thought to be the adorable next door neighbor character quickly became Heidi’s new boy toy. Enzo seemed harmless: he liked Wii, hide and seek, and saying the darndest things. But it became obvious that Heidi had more than innocent feelings for this young Italian latchkey kid. For this kids birthday, she threw him a party with an elephant. Nothing says I want to take this relationship to the next level than getting an elephant to show up at someone’s birthday party. It’s like the new promise ring. Once that large mammal showed up to Enzo’s party, Spencer didn’t stand a chance.
Spencer Becoming a Crystal Addict
I don’t know what crystals are, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. They turned Spencer into Gary Busey.
Hans-Rudolf Merz
If anyone in this world wants to cause me pain, it’s my nemesis, Hans-RuDORK Merz. Look at his guilty face. What did you do Hansey? Put blonde hair dye in Spencer’s beard comb? Send your veteran super spy Enzo in to play the strings of Heidi’s heart? I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will.
The Fat Camp Charity – A charity whose proceeds goes to bribing MTV into playing their 2 hour documentary “Fat Camp” more often. I see it about once a year, and it’s usually airs at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. That doesn’t work for me. They need to start playing it more frequently. Fat Camp is like a drug, and I need my fix.
The Jacksons: An American Dream Charity – A charity whose proceeds goes towards stopping VH1 from playing the biographical movie about the Jackson family. The problem isn’t that I hate it… the problem is that I love it. I have to watch it every time it’s on television, and it’s on quite a bit. It wouldn’t be so bad if the movie wasn’t 5 hours long. But for a guy who is only awake for 8 hours a day, 5 hours is a huge chunk of my afternoon. It leaves no time for gardening. This blog would have been done days ago, but no… I had to watch Tito get beat for breaking a string on Joe’s guitar, I had to watch Jermaine marry Barry Gordy’s daughter against the wishes of his father, and I definitelyhad to watch Michael get his hair burned during the Pepsi commercial shoot (”OW, MY HAIR! (lol)). Lets stop this madness before they start playing it on repeat and I become one of those people who never leaves their apartment.
C + C Music Factory Charity – A charity that raises money to buy every young aspiring musician a C + C Music Factory CD. The only way to get music get back on track is for these kids to understand what it really takes to be a true artist: a female singer, a deep voiced pseudo-rapper, a turntable and some attitude.
The Get Sean a New Heart Fund - A charity that focuses on getting me a new heart. There’s nothing wrong with the one I have, I just figured it would be nice to have two.
