You’ve heard of the Subway diet. You’ve heard of the Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Diet (my friend thought of it… it doesn’t work). You’ve even heard of the Taco Bell diet (was that commercial serious?) Well now we’ve come up with a diet that will trump any other franchise weight loss program…
The Home Depot Diet!
How does it work?
It’s simple!
When you are hungry, head on over to your local Home Depot and eat anything you want!
But wait… doesn’t Home Depot have fattening unhealthy snack foods?
Yes they do. But I wouldn’t go near them… they’ve all expired! No one goes to the Home Depot for a snack. The mere thought of buying food at a place that sells manure is too repulsive for any consumer. Don’t believe me? Check out the expiration date on the retro bag of cheese balls they sell in the checkout lane.
EXPIRED!
Or why not take a look at the bag of beef jerky located in the patio furniture section.
Who’s that gentlemen on the bag? Dale Earnhardt, Sr.? Hasn’t he been dead for over a decade?
EXPIRED!
So what am I going to eat?
What aren’t you going to eat?!? It’s Home Depot! They have wood chips, awnings, drywall, gutters… it’s like attending a feast at King Arthur’s round table!
But how am I supposed to eat that stuff?
With your teeth!
No, you didn’t understand the question. Is any of this stuff edible?
…what do you mean?
Is it safe to eat this stuff?
Why didn’t you ask that in the first place?!? The experts behind the Home Depot Diet have never heard of it being unsafe to eat a gutter, or any other appliance that you can find at the Home Depot! Therefore it must be safe!
Isn’t it dangerous to eat paint?
Don’t you mean drink paint?
Whatever. Isn’t it dangerous to drink paint?
Who knows?!? But there’s only one way to find out! By signing up for the Home Depot Diet!
Wont this stuff still make me fat?
Let me answer that question with another question: have you ever seen a label on a bag of wood chips that lists the amount of calories each wood chip contains?
No.
Then there must not be any! The experts behind the Home Depot Diet have never heard of there being fat content in a wood chip! If there was any, the wood chip people sure would have a lot of explaining to do!
That’s the beauty of this diet. Nothing sold at Home Depot, other than expired food from the late nineties, has a Nutritional Facts label printed on them. Therefore, they are obviously fat free and void of any calories!
Has anyone tried this diet yet?
Sure! Look at all these Home Depot Diet survivors success stories!
Oooh la la!
So don’t go on your next Caribbean cruise packing on unnecessary vital body fat!
Act now!
Try the Home Depot Diet and watch your former self literally disappear before your eyes!
I just read that researchers have discovered that toddlers who watch too much television have a greater chance of struggling in school. Furthermore, these kids seem to weigh more, eat unhealthier, and get bullied more often than normal kids. It’s studies like these that make me marvel at the occupation of researcher.
The beauty of being a researcher is that you can take an obvious observation, pretend to spend years accumulating data, and in the end come to an expected conclusion… yet it’s not considered a waste of time. If these people actually get paid, then researching is an occupation that every college graduate should should strive for. And since I want to do everything I can to help America’s job market, I’ve decided to create more studies with predictable outcomes to keep the researchers around the world “busy.”
Do women with forehead tattoos lead more dangerous lives than nuns?
Do people find dogs dressed in human clothes more adorable than dead rats in cereal bowls?
Are children with multiple felonies on their record more likely to excel is graffiti art?
Is the fashion sense of L.A. women more modern than the fashion sense of Amish women?
Do alcoholics have a better chance of embarrassing their spouses at company picnics?
Does time travel appeal more to people who have made decisions they deeply regret?
Do men with no arms have a worse chance of catching a foul ball at a baseball game?
Are venereal diseases a turn on to the opposite sex?
Are muscular topless men from New Jersey more likely to pump their fists?
Do twelve foot tall astronaut super heroes with invisibility cloaks have more interesting stories than hermits?
As many of you may know, I took this sabbatical to try and become a screenwriter. Although I was well aware that it was a lofty goal, I still went into this with hope and determination. I’ve been sabbaticalling (word I just made up) for nine months now and have completed three scripts. Now I’m looking to start a fourth.
I’ve been told by various agents that the scripts that I’ve written so far lack the marketability that film studios are looking for. Ideally you want a film that appeals to all audiences, but unfortunately my scripts only interest vietnamese orphans and women born in the 1890’s. For that reason I’ve decided to give my next project the universal appeal that the others have lacked. Let me introduce you to my latest gem, Mayor Bowser.
Mayor Bowser
The story of Bowser, a german shepherd that runs for mayor in the small town of Harrington, Delaware. After he rescues a child from a burning building, Bowser becomes an overnight celebrity. But unbeknownst to everyone, this bowwow is fed up with the dirty politics that have plagued the town of Harrington for decades. After some intense soul searching, Bowser decides to utilize his popularity and attempt to become America’s first caynor (canine mayor). But is Harrington ready for a dog to be their public representative? And does the fact that he was recently neutered mean that Bowser will have to run as a transgender? It’s Air Bud meets The Manchurian Candidate meets To Wong Foo… all movies that I’ve never seen.
Tonight, while watching Matt and Amy Roloff inch closer and closer towards divorce, I was thinking of ways to increase the popularity of this website. Although I love seanssabbatical, I fear that it lacks a certain edginess. I need my audience to feel like they are reading the work of a passionate person. That’s why I’ve made the decision for seanssabbatical to have a sworn enemy.
Nowadays, members of the media are gaining large fan bases by simply voicing their opinions about someone they hate. Glenn Beck hates Barack Obama, Perez Hilton hates Lindsay Lohan, and ABC 7’s Weatherman Jerry Taft hates cold fronts… and they all profit off of it. Because of their successes, these guys have inspired me to find a random public figure to hate and voice my negative opinions about him. Since I feel uncomfortable picking someone who could possibly read about my unjustified and obscure hatred for them, I’ve decided to choose a nemesis whom I’m sure will never visit this website. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion that the enemy of seanssabbatical.com would be none other than…
The Head of Switzerland’s Federal Department of Finance
Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz
BOOOOOOOOOO!
I loathe this guy!
He’s on record saying that he was born on November 10th. Um, really Hans-Rudolf!?! I highly doubt that! You act nothing like a Scorpio! You don’t live a fate filled life. You have no intense and dramatic personal relationships. And I KNOW you don’t have difficulty finding what you need to develop your own happiness. Quit hiding behind your Virgo lifestyle, you creative and sensitive moron who secretly desires to love and be loved in return!
Look Hansey, the gig is up. In 2008 you thought you were elected President of the Swiss Confederation after receiving 185 out of 209 valid votes. But guess what? They were actually voting for the President of Boring, and you won in a landslide!
Mr. Lame Merz, if we were stranded on a desert island together, I would rather die of thirst than drink from the same coconut shell as you. I can’t believe you were born in the 1940s. I could have sworn your face caused the Great Depression.
Hansey, guess what. The tie store called. They’re running out of different shades of blue. I mean, are you kidding me? Every picture you take you’re wearing a blue tie! What is that, your favorite color or something? If so, way to steal my favorite color and claim it as your own! What else have you stolen? A child? Are you a kidnapper Hansey? Are your three sons even yours, or should we check Switzerland’s missing persons reports to see if we can find a match? You can’t hide behind your lies forever, Hansey. I don’t trust you.
Whoa! Look at the jerk who is trying to prove me wrong by wearing a fancy red tie! Why don’t I call you captain touche’? If I had one wish, I’d wish that I could wear red and blue ties just like the Merzinator does. Oh what a dream! Unfortunately I don’t make the kind of socialist Hans-Rudolf Merz money it takes to afford such accessories.
So here we go. Seanssabbatical is now officially a comedy/anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz website. I’m hoping that this will increase the popularity of this site, especially with the Swiss. Even though they don’t speak English, I’m sure the pictures of Hansey along with all the exclamation points will keep them interested.
I remember being 7 years old and hearing “Pump up the Jam” by Technotronic for the first time. Back then I thought that it was the best song ever created. Now I’m 28 and still waiting for someone to my prove 7 year old self wrong.
I remember the first time I drove a car alone. I just got my license and was extremely excited. I yelled “WOOOOOOO!” as soon as I was on the road. Two seconds later I pulled into an intersection and almost got hit by a truck. I remember never wanting to drive again after that happened.
I remember my first grade teacher telling the class that if you swallowed a penny, you would die. That same year I was laying on my back when a penny fell into my mouth and I accidentally swallowed it. I was convinced that I was going to die that evening. After miraculously making it through the night, I told my teacher that I had swallowed a penny and survived. She called me a liar. I love public school.
I remember hating the Channel 11 show Pinwheel, but was forced to watch it because it aired between my two favorite programs, Sesame Street and Todays Special. When I say forced to watch it, I mean that instead of actually going outside for once, my lazy childhood self decided to sit there and watch it. I probably spent 127 hours of my childhood watching a show that I didn’t like. I did the same this past Winter when my girlfriend decided to get into So You Think You Can Dance.
I remember thinking OJ didn’t do it. At the time I chose to ignore the overwhelming evidence against him and focus on the fact that I liked his character in the Naked Gun movies. As much as I tried to hold onto this belief over the years, it has become apparent that he was probably the murderer since he WROTE A hypothetical BOOK ABOUT HOW HEwould have KILLED HIS WIFE.
I remember the lunch ladies at my grade school always mispronouncing my first name. They called me “See-Ann.” Combine that with their mispronunciation of my last name, and you get a child that all the lunch ladies knew as “See-Ann Mil-in-du-an-nah-moe.”
I remember in second grade we were given personalized blue cards. On this card was your name, then four human traits, one of which was circled to indicate which trait best described you. I believe the traits were “Smart,” “Friendly,” “Athletic,” and “Good Smile.” “Good Smile” was circled on mine. At the time I thought it was great. The early twenties good looking TA was the one who filled out my card, and for weeks I would smile every time I was around her since she obviously loved it. When I got older I realized that she was a liar. I had a terrible gap toothed smile at that age. It looked disgusting. To make things worse, I realized that she also didn’t think I was smart, friendly, or athletic. That little blue card is a daily reminder that my second grade TA felt that I was a waste of an eight year old. I love public school.
I’ve been thinking about this for years. It’s my pitch for a Pabst Blue Ribbon commercial. I figure the commercial would have two unattractive people in some sort of romantic setting, and playing in the background would be this song…
If by some miracle the Pabst cooperation could get together enough money to afford the rights to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing,” they could make a fortune.
Oooh la la!
BOOOOOOOOOO!
