By Sean Patrick
Because I enjoyed my experience so much last week, I decided to go bowling again today. Immediately I realized it was a bad idea.
First off, I was by myself and wearing a long sleeved black shirt and gray pants. Because it’s Spring Break here in Roselle, at 2 p.m. the bowling alley was packed full of teenagers. Me arriving solo in gothic colors made me look like both a kidnapper and a lonely emo adult who was trying to learn bowling to gain his father’s affection.
Next problem was that I was unknowingly still sore from last week.
Last Tuesday, when I saw the previously documented terrifying display of parental aggression, I bowled seven games. Although bowling is a fairly non-stressful activity when it comes to exercise, there is still that one muscle, right next to my buttox on my left leg, that I never use. I would only use this muscle for bowling and curtseying. As of last week I hadn’t bowled in over two years, and I’ve never gotten the enormous round of applause while wearing a dress that would dignify me having to curtsey. Therefore this muscle, which bends as I release the bowling ball, was used 200,000% more last Tuesday than it had been in years.
Today I prepaid for three games and began my child abducting gothic bowling session. Once I threw the first ball, I knew I shouldn’t have pre-paid.
“ARGHHHH!” I yelled, startling the grandfather and two grandkids that were bowling next to me. I couldn’t bend over while throwing the ball without excruciating pain.
I figured I just had to stretch. “Emo man-child has to stretch to bowl!” is what I’m sure the punk teenage dudes in lane five were whispering to each other. After stretching for about a minute, I attempted to throw the second ball and still experienced the same pain. Right then I decided to man up and play through the agony. Unfortunately I’m not much of a man, so that mindset ended immediately after I threw the third ball. I realized then that I had to either try and get my money back for the games I prepaid for (like a chump), or adapt to my injury and change the way I threw the bowling ball (like an athlete).
I adapted. Instead of bending so much when I threw the ball, I stayed more upright. It still hurt, but not as much. When I took a short break I was looking around and realized my new bowling technique was similar to that of a teenage girls, only with less giggling afterwards. To make things worse, my hands are so small that the ball I was using was the exact same ball that many teenage girls were using. I know this because all the bowling balls at this alley are color coated to size, and like those girls, I was using the purple ball. I realized then that my injury and tiny hands had turned me into a teenage girl.
(me)
After debating whether or not to pick up a Justin Bieber CD on my way home, I continued to bowl. The pain gradually got worse, and eventually I started sweating because of it. The sweat was running down my face and made my hair get puffy and stick up in various directions. I was a visible wreck.
I finished all three games as fast as I could, wanting nothing more than to leave that bowling alley and ice whatever muscle group this soreness belonged to. I returned my shoes to a concerned employee, went to my car, and laughed all the way home knowing that I just accomplished one of the most pathetic bowling displays in the history of the sport.
By Sean Patrick
Cleaning lint traps – I was never aware of how delightful of a process this is. I find myself going into the communal laundry room in the middle of the day just to see if there is some extra lint that needs to be removed from the dryer. It’s such an easy clean. In one full scoop, all this lint just goes into your hand and is ready to be eaten.
You are supposed to eat it, right?
Wearing sandals and socks… at the same time! – It’s a fashion disaster, so I never leave the building doing it. But once I’m within the confines of my apartment, I am a sandals and socks wearin fool. If there was a fashion police, I would be arrested everyday. Like Bobby Brown.
Pink Wafer Cookies – I always knew I liked these, but it’s been a while since I had them. I decided to buy a box of pink wafers from the Jewel the other day… since then I have gained twenty- six pounds and have permanently stained pink teeth. Like Bobby Brown.
… ok, it didn’t work that time.
The inconsistency of my car – It turns every day into an adventure, and makes me feel like a thrill seeker. “Can it make it all the way back to Elgin? Damn it, I’ll have to try.” “Is it safe to be sitting in it when it smells so much like gasoline? Damn it, I’ll have to see.” “Is it good that the RPM dial keeps going into the red? Probably not, but damn it, just put black tape over it so you don’t have to look at it.”
Listening to people grunt loudly at the gym – At first I thought it was disgusting and terrifying, but since I belong to a small gym with muted televisions and no music on a loud speaker, it’s nice to have the noise. Otherwise it’s like working out in a library. Plus it’s kind of funny. This one lady screams while doing her military style training. It makes me laugh, but I can’t LOL or she’ll hear me. So I LTM (laugh to myself (OMG, did I just make a new acronym?!?)).
Hearing other peoples ringtones (OPR’s)- It really gives you a quick glimpse into someone else’s life. For example, the other day I heard a ringtone go off that was the Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song, “Nuthin But a ‘G’ Thang.” Immediately I knew that this person was probably way too cool to hang out with me, and was most likely a marijuana dealer.
Watching George Clooney movies - I make a ton of jokes on this website about Clooney’s stunning good looks (not jokes), but I take for granted that the movies he decides to star in are great. When I saw a preview for Up in the Air I thought to myself, “That looks boring. I’ll never see that. That and that stupid looking Avatar movie.” Three months after I saw Avatar in the theatre four days after its release, I watched Up in the Air. It was great. I felt stupid for not believing in him.
Restarting my computer – It makes me feel like a strict boss. “OK, break time computer.” Computer quickly turns off. “OK, now back to work!” Computer turns on. I like to think that my computer also thinks of me as a strict boss and complains about me when I run to the bathroom.
When I’m playing songs I purchased from Itunes and Sarah McLachlan’s “Building a Mystery” comes on – The only mystery here is how much I had to drink before buying this song. I don’t remember purchasing it, but I know I must have had a good masculine reason for doing so. Either way, once it comes on it brings back a great memory that I can’t remember.
By Sean Patrick
During this sabbatical, I have grown a newfound appreciation for the game show Family Feud. It’s so entertaining, and unlike Jeopardy! and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, it doesn’t make you feel stupid.
Before I go on, let me put on record that I believe I am smarter than an average fifth grader, but I am not smarter than a gifted fifth grader. I’m not ashamed. Doogie Howser was in medical school in fifth grade, and I know I’m not smarter than he was. But I digress.
I enjoy Family Feud so much that I wanted to write up a mock Family Feud round. The two families competing will be the Jacobs Family and the Johnson family.
LETS PLAY THE FEUD!
Dah dah daaaaaaah, Dah dah daaaaaaah
(Family Feud Theme Song)
A representative from each family walks up to the podium (Shirley for the Jacobs family and Bill for the Johnson family). The guy that used to be on Seinfeld awaits and says a funny comment. The representatives from each family laugh, even though they were under the impression that the guy who played Al on Home Improvement was now the host. They wonder to themselves if that guy is dead. They both hope not.
Host: We surveyed 100 people, top six answers are on the board. Here we go! What type of…
Jacobs family member presses buzzer.
Host: Shirley.
Shirley: Racism!
You see, a contestant always thinks that they know what the guy is going to ask, and most of the time they’re completely wrong, which is one of my favorite parts of the show. The host then has to repeat the entire question back to the other contestant, revealing how wrong the answer that first contestant just made was. When this happens I always yell out, “Ooooooooh, don’t you feel salty!!!” (I talk like a sassy teenage girl from the late nineties when I watch this show)
Host: (shocked) OK… um… lets see, racism.
(pause)
(EHHHHHHHHH!)
Host: OK, Bill, let me repeat the question in its entirety. What type of food is typically eaten in the morning?
(me at home: Ooooooooh, Shirley, don’t you feel salty!)
Bill: Cereal?
Johnson Family Members: Good answer! Good Answer!
Host: Let me see, cereal.
(pause)
DING! Cereal is the number one answer!
Host: Do you want to play or pass?
They always play.
Bill: We’ll play!
I told you.
Host walks over to first Johnson family member who is a guy in his early thirties and is overly enthusiastic. His name is Jim. He wants to start a band and needs Family Feud money to buy a microphone. Later in life, Jim will find out that it’s tough to start a band when you insist that the band name be, “Dr. Wiener and the Butts.” His stubbornness will keep him from his lifelong dream.
Host: OK Jim, name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Jim: I’m gonna say… bagels?
Johnson Family members: Good Answer! Good answer!
Host: Show me, bagels!
(pause)
DING! Bagels is the number two answer!
Jim can already see “Dr. Wiener and the Butts” on the marquee at the Apollo Theatre. He knows his opening line too. He’ll come out on stage and say, “I’m Dr. Wiener and these are my butts!”
At this point the Johnson family is stoked. Like Jim, they can all see their futures changing before their eyes. They’ll be rich! However, there’s two problems with this mentality: One, I’ve never seen a family walk away from this show with more than $226 and a green 1993 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. Two, most families on the feud are unable to come up with more than two correct answers per round. After the two good answers are in play (in this case cereal and bagels), they can’t think any more. Part of the problem is that once they start to get into a groove, it always seems to be grandma’s turn. Typically grandma hasn’t been listening the whole time. She actually doesn’t know where she is.
Host approaches Grandma Johnson. She is smiling.
Host: Well what a beautiful woman we have here.
He’s lying.
Grandma smiles nervously. She doesn’t know if this was the question. In fact, she doesn’t even know how this game is played. Internally she’s terrified. She doesn’t want to be put in a home and thinks answering this question incorrectly will seal her fate. She thinks that because her daughter made this exact threat during the opening credits.
Host: Name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Grandma: Um….. um………..
Host: Two seconds.
Grandma: Um………. well……..
EHHHHHHHHH!
Host: Sorry grandma, you ran out of time.
Grandma is near tears. Her daughter shoots her a quick dirty look and mimics a knife slitting her throat.
Host approaches the next contestant, Sharon. She is a female college student who is only on the team because Uncle Vern passed away on Tuesday. In fact, the Johnson’s are currently missing Vern’s funeral.
Host: Sharon, give me a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Sharon: Cigarettes?
The college student on the team always does this. Since college life is far removed from a normal healthy lifestyle, they can’t fathom these types of questions. Sharon here hasn’t been up for breakfast in a while. Furthermore, the various frat houses she wakes up in every afternoon don’t serve breakfast. Her mother thought she would nail this question since Sharon is in a Morning Cuisine Cooking Class. Unfortunately, Sharon hasn’t been back to that class since the first day when she accidentally farted out loud during lecture. She is going to fail the course and will wind up on academic probation. To make things worse, her mother just realized that she might have taken up smoking. They will fight in the dressing room after the show.
Johnson Family: (Not very enthusiastically) Good answer. Good answer.
Host: Let me see… cigarettes!
(Pause)
EHHHHHHHHH!
Host approaches Carrie, the mother of Sharon, the aunt of Jim, and the daughter of Grandma. She is the one who convinced everyone to skip Uncle Vern’s funeral. “He shouldn’t have been driving if he was going to get hit by a drunk driver,” was her argument. She has big hair and is the type of lady who is mean to all of her coworkers. She also, just moments ago, threatened to put grandma in a home and possibly slit her throat. But she is very friendly on camera.
Host: Hello Carrie, how are you doing today?
Carrie: I’m great! I just want to give a shout out to all of my coworkers at General Postage back in Duluth, Minnesota! I miss you guys! Wooo!
Her coworkers hate her even more when they see this on television. She wont be invited to Midge’s birthday lunch in two weeks.
Host: OK, Carrie, if you don’t get this right, the Jacobs family will have a chance to steal. Give me a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Carrie: I’m going to say, toast!
Johnson Family: Good answer, good answer!
Host: Good answer. Let me see, Toast!
(Pause)
EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(I can’t get the X’s to line up. I should have taken a computer class in high school)
This is common. Toast is a very logical answer, yet the survey doesn’t have it on there. I’ve come to the conclusion that they leave the surveys up to their interns, and it’s a fact that interns in California are all on mushrooms (fact courtesy of Wikipedia). These interns begin the survey, but once they’ve surveyed between 12-17 people (as opposed to the promised 100), they decide to quit and make up the remaining answers. They’ve gotten away with it for decades. It’s brilliant.
Now we go to the Jacobs family, who have been deliberating for about three minutes. This part always amazes me. Even though five people have been collaborating for what is the equivalent of an eternity in Family Feud time, they always seem to end with the dumbest answer of the round… even dumber than grandma’s “um…. well…..” and the college slut’s answer of “cigarettes.”
Host approaches Jacobs family. He goes to the head of the group.
Host: We have four more answers on the board. Jacobs Family, this is for the steal. Name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Jacobs Family Representative: We’re gonna say, a pillow!
It’s obvious they didn’t understand the question. I’ve seen it many times. I once saw a family in this situation answer the question, “What is a compliment women like to hear?” with the response of, “Lose weight.” My lord.
So this round, the Jacobs gave two answers to the simple question of “what food is typically eaten in the morning”… racism and pillows. The host does everything he can to not laugh in their face and thinks to himself, “I was once on Seinfeld. What the hell am I doing here?”
Host: Pillow… um… ok. Let me see, Pillow!
(pause)
EHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Johnson Family celebrates. Host gains his composure.
Host: OK, lets see the bottom four answers that we couldn’t figure out. Number three.
(Pause)
OMLET
Audience: Omlet!
Families look at each other with, “duh! why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Host: Number Four…
(Pause)
FRENCH TOAST
Audience: French toast!
Families look at each other with, “duh, why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Carrie Johnson is furious. She said toast! That should have counted! She is going to take out her aggression by yelling at her cube mate Gail when she gets back to Minnesota.
Host: Number Five…
(pause)
CHICKEN
Audience: Chicken!
Families look at each other with, “duh, why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Host thinks. “Chicken? Fucking interns.”
Host: And number six…
(pause)
MUSHROOMS
Audience: Mush… rooms?
The interns are busted. The gig is up. They’ll now be interning at Jeopardy, making the game show much easier for drug addicts.
I apologize if you got carpal tunnel from all the scrolling.
By Sean Patrick
This is probably the biggest waste of twenty minutes in the history of the world.
By Sean Patrick
Something happened at the bowling alley yesterday that I found humorous and sad. But mostly humorous.
My friend and I went bowling because they had an all day $2 per game special. We were positioned about three lanes away from a lady, her two kids, and their grandmother. I hadn’t noticed them initially, but as I was about to bowl I looked over and saw the lady, with bowling ball in hand, get tackled by her kids and collapse to the ground. The bowling ball fell with a thud and she fell with an even louder thud. Originally it was like watching a clip from America’s Funniest Home Videos… that is until she started cursing at her kids, grabbing them with force, and scaring the living shit out of them. This made them both cry hysterically, and I was so frightened that I almost did the same.
Not trying to be rude I looked away. Because bowling alleys are loud and my friend was doing other things, he did not notice this precious moment. In order to avoid him staring at the family who was falling apart at lane number nine, I decided to tell him at a later time.
But when it was my friends turn to bowl, he said, “Sean. Sean.” I looked up. “Look over there dude.” He was motioning towards the family. After looking for a second I asked my friend what he wanted me to look at. “That kid is crying. It’s hilarious.”
I looked back over at the family again and the woman who took the spill was looking right at me with an angry face. I quickly looked away, but I knew that she thought I told my friend about her accident and we were having a good laugh about it. But the truth was my friend just thought it would be funny to point out a crying child. And it was.
The family left shortly after (probably because of the humiliation she was feeling after viciously yelling at her kids in public), and once she was gone I informed my friend of why the kid was crying and the uncomfortable situation he put me in by making me look over.
In the end I kind of felt bad for the lady. It’s not her fault that her out of control kids wanted to tackle their mother while she was holding a potentially dangerous object in her hand. But it was still hilarious, and it makes me wonder how many clips from America’s Funniest Home Videos have to be shortened to avoid the child abuse that ensues immediately afterwards.
I can’t wait to have kids so I can yell at them in public. It’s such a funny thing to do.
meaningless picture
By Sean Patrick
On this St. Patrick’s Day, people all around the world will be packing bars, drinking green beer, and sleeping well past the time they are supposed to clock in to work the next day.* Today is a day to celebrate the Irish culture, and since the Irish are mainly known for their drinking problems, many people will be going out tonight to consume dangerous amounts of alcohol. But before you paint your face green and put on your Kiss Me I’m Irish t-shirt, here are a list of some things you should avoid doing while celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.**
Eat Irish Food Before Going Out – If you want to have a fun night at the bars, do NOT eat an Irish meal beforehand. Irish cuisine is terrible. Just last week I watched a special where a food critic was sampling the best foods Ireland had to offer, and it took all of his strength not to puke on camera. But it’s not the fault of the Irish. They grew up in a land with very little access to decent tasting food and were forced to figure out eighty different ways to make a potato. And other Irish foods such as meat pies, bangers, and scones… good lord. Although I have no way to prove it (yet), I’m pretty sure it’s the equivalent of eating human flesh. So don’t do it tonight. You won’t be able to get the terrible taste out of your mouth and your breath will smell like Jeffrey Dahmer’s. But for those of you who simply must have an Irish dish on St. Patrick’s Day, go for the corn beef and cabbage. Although I believe corn beef is simply expired hamburger meat and cabbage is lettuce that was in the microwave for twenty minutes, it’s the only Irish meal that doesn’t instantly induce vomiting.
Attempt Irish Dancing – You may think that it would be fun to try and simulate the dance of the Irish while you’re at the bar, but you’re wrong. It’s just sad and embarrassing. Look, even when professional Irish dancers perform, they look slightly ridiculous. There’s so much bobbing and kicking, and when the performance is over you’re left not knowing if you’re supposed to applaud or giggle. And these are the people have been trained. So when you bring your drunk ass out onto the dance floor to show off your authentic Irish dance moves, you’re just going to make a fool of yourself.
Speak in an Irish Accent – Unless you took an acting class specializing in accent development, most likely you’re Irish accent sounds much more like an English, Scottish, Southern, Bohemian, or Egyptian accent. You’ll confuse people when you attempt to talk like the Irish, and in the end a bunch of strangers will think you have a speech impediment.
Wear a Kilt – Unless you’re a part of a bagpipe posse, there is no reason to be wearing a kilt on this holiday. Although the Irish wear kilts, it’s much more of a Scottish tradition, and who wants to associate themselves with the Scottish. They’re such (insert Scottish stereotype here… if there are any… I’m not aware of one… they actually seem quite pleasant to me).
Pinch Anyone Not Wearing Green – In grade school I remember getting pinched by other children if I neglected to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know if this tradition still exists, but I do know that adults don’t pinch each other, and it would be hard to explain that the reason you woke up with a fat lip was because you pinched a guy at the bar that was wearing a black leather outfit.
Pay for $20 Worth of Irish Songs on the Jukebox – Hearing a song or two about how fun it is to drink, fight, and neglect your wife pumps everyone up for having a few beers. But after two hours of promoting the merry exploits of a full blown alcoholic, every patron in the bar will want to mimic the actions of the protagonists in these songs. This will lead to lethal brass knuckle fighting and multiple deaths caused by alcohol poisoning.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
* March 18th should be National Unemployment Day
** It seems that all my blogs lately are lists of Do’s and Don’ts. I apologize. I’ve run out of creativity and original thought.
By Sean Patrick
3:00
Mysterious Sean
3:13
Party Sean
…much better
By Sean Patrick
If you have a felony in your past,
DO: Make your interviewer afraid of you. Come on, you know you can do it. You’ve been to jail for at least over a year. Summon the inner criminal who shanked your bunk mate for a pack of Marlboro’s and scare the hell out of this person. If your interviewer is afraid, he will have no other choice but to hire you. How do you think O.J. was cast in all those Naked Gun movies?
DON’T: Admit to any wrong doing. If you were in jail for kidnapping, and the interviewer inquires about this conviction, just say, “I did what I had to do.” He’ll think you’re a noble person and will applaud your efficient problem solving skills.
If you have been fired from your previous job for illegally transferring company money into your bank account,
DO: Make a light hearted Jerry Maguire joke about it. Everyone in the world adores that movie, so when he asks you about the financial mishap with your previous employer, just say, “I wanted the company to SHOOOOOW MEEEEE THE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!” Your interviewer will laugh, clap, and hire you on the spot.
DON’T: Claim that those days are behind you. They’re not. As soon as you get the opportunity to rob them blind, you are going to take it. Don’t lie about it. That would be immoral. If he asks you if those days are behind you, just say, “You had me at hello.” Your interviewer will blush, smile, and hire you on the spot.
If the interviewer is someone from your high school who you harassed and made their life a living hell,
DO: Continue on that path. No one ever does anything regrettable in high school. So you were in the right when you beat this kid constantly until his parents were forced to move out of town. During the interview, show him who the real boss is and sock him in the mouth. Then give him a nuggie, a purple nurple, and stick his head in the toilet. When that is all done, light a cigarette, say, “I’ll see you on Monday,” and walk out of the room. You didn’t even need to get hired… you just hired yourself.
DON’T: Use bad language during the beat down. That kind of talk does not belong in the workplace.
If your in a hurry because a new episode of Days of Our Lives in going to be on in an hour,
DO: Answer every question with a yes or no response. “Why do you want to work here?” “Yes.” “What are your best qualities?” “No.” “Whoa,” your interviewer will think. “He’s in a rush. He must have a hot shot interview after this. We better hire him on the spot or else we’ll miss out on this golden opportunity! ” Boom, you’re hired.
DON’T: Tape Days of our Lives with your VCR. The quality of the picture will be terrible, and important plot lines and sexy dialogue may be lost because of the shoddy VHS tape audio strip. Plus, it’s very unlikely that the recording will even take place at the correct time since you forgot to reset the clock on your VCR.
If you are hung over,
DO: Tell them. Every employer loves a party person. They have great stories to tell at the water cooler, they embarrass themselves at the company picnic, and they sleep with the weirdest looking people in the office. Plus, with the recent success of the film The Hangover, your hang over will be a great conversation starter. “How are you today?” “I’m hung over.” “Oh, he he, did you wake up with a tiger in your bathroom?” “No, but I did strangle a homeless guy.” Boom, hired.
DON’T: Come into the interview with Taco Bell. I know you crave it right now, but either eat it in the car ride over or wait until after the interview. Sober people don’t enjoy the scent of Taco Bell. To them, it smells like adolescent armpit.
By Sean Patrick
In order to extend this sabbatical, I’m trying to think of ways in which I can make a large amount of money in a short period of time without doing a lot of work. One idea I had was to make a graduation song.
It’s getting close to the time of year where kids all around the country are getting ready to graduate from high school. These delinquents are in desperate need of a graduation anthem that they can play at all of the ceremonies they will be attending in the next couple of months. When I was graduating, Vitamin C saved the day and came out with the smash (piece of s)hit song, “Graduation (Friends Forever).” We didn’t even have to listen to it to know that it was perfect.
In order to get Vitamin C rich, I decided to follow in her footsteps and create a graduation song of my own. I don’t have a tune for it, but I wrote lyrics and am willing to share them with any starving artist that is looking to get Vitamin C rich with me. The lyrics are below, and to keep up with the graduation theme, I posted pictures on the side. As a fun game I included a picture of someone graduating from sexy town. See if you can pick it out.
Now, without further adieu, I give you my smash hit graduation song titled…
You’re Graduating! O.M.G., L.O.L.!
It’s the big day
That you’ve been waiting for
Put on your cap and gown
And walk out the door
Everyone will be there
To see you walk the aisle
Even your drunken cousin
Who was in jail for a while
This is the moment you imagined
Since you first walked through the halls
And now that this time is ending
There are so many memories to recall
Like that time you cornered that freshman
I think his name was Reggie
He had to get a testicle removed
Because you gave him a wedgie
Or the time you decided
To bring a gun to school
And then it went off in your backpack
And you blamed it on Raul.
He’ll be in jail
For about eight to ten
You hope when he gets out
He’ll still want to be your friend
There was the senior prank
That went horribly wrong
You never thought there’d be someone in the building
R.I.P. Principal Chong
And then there was prom
That night wasn’t so bad
Until things got a little out of control
And you pulled a knife on your date’s dad
The day you vomited in gym class
Was something you’ll never forget
At least it wasn’t as bad as Frank Kaplan
Whose own pants he did shit.*
Remember the senior picnic?
Oh what a joy!
You told that chubby teacher
She should lay off the Chips Ahoy’s
And when she was crying
You thought in your head
High school is great
I wish it wouldn’t end
(Chorus)
High School is over
And the end is now
O.M.G.
L.O.L.
(repeat chorus for twelve minutes)
* I don’t know a Frank Kaplan. If your name is Frank Kaplan and you happened to poop your pants in gym class, this is purely coincidental. Also, I’m sorry to hear about your misfortune.
By Sean Patrick
Best Achievement in Makeup
And the Oscar goes to…
The Makeup Artists behind the movie Moonstruck
They made Cher into a beautiful, radiant female, even though in real life she’s just an average looking guy.
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
And the Oscar goes to…
The TLC Network
Every show they have involves little people in real life situations. The Little Chocolatiers, Little Couple, Little People Big World, Little Littles… they got it all. I know they’re not making movies, but no one has spent more time and effort on documenting short subjects than TLC, so they deserve the Oscar.
Best Documentary, Features
And the Oscar goes to…
A League of Their Own
It was a brilliant and revealing behind the scenes look into the Chicago White Sox organization.*
Best Achievement, Costume Design
And the Oscar goes to…
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
No explanation needed.
Best Achievement in Art Direction
And the Oscar goes to…
…who cares. Please just speed up the damn show. It’s almost 3 am.
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
And the Oscar goes to…
Dude, Where’s My Car? based on Cormac McCarthy’s best selling novel The Road
It’s a very loose interpretation, but The Road deals with a father and his son walking around the country after what is suggested to be a nuclear holocaust. Why are they walking? Because they can’t find a car. Hence the inspiration for the groundbreaking screenplay Dude, Where’s My Car?
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
And the Oscar goes to…
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Original script, original idea, delightful title. I’ve never seen it, but I know I love it.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
And the Oscar goes to…
The Old Lady from The Goonies
She scares me, and I feel that if I don’t give her an award, she will stab me in the belly… even though she’s dead. That’s how much I’m scared of her.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
And the Oscar goes to…
Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump
He did great, and his character was a great side story for that movie about Lieutenant Dan.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
And the Oscar goes to…
The Girl who played Jamie in the hit High School Spanish Class Educational Video, La Catrina
Because the whole film was in Spanish, I never understood a word she said. But the delivery of those mysterious words was groundbreaking.
Best Performance By an Actor in a Leading Role
And the Oscar goes to…
Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry
I haven’t seen this dude in anything since, but he did a tremendous job.
Best Motion Picture
And the Oscar goes to…
Billy Madison
The movie that made me want to become a filmmaker. Now I’m 28, unemployed, and writing a blog that insults actors and actresses that have done much more with their lives than I ever will.**
*boo yah
** This comment could be a lyric from Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic
