By Sean Patrick
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” – Marie Curie
I don’t know. After hearing about the latest mishap at Seaworld, I think it would serve us all well if we had a fear of killer whales. In fact, I think a good rule of thumb would be to fear anything that uses the adjective “killer” to describe a certain species.
“Everything I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten.” – Unknown Hallmark Employee
They didn’t teach any of us how terrifying underground Asian pornography is in Kindergarten.
“The best thing about me is you.” – Shannon Crown
This is sweet, but if Jude Law says this, he’s lying. The best thing about him is him.
“Live as though Christ died yesterday, rose from the grave today, and is coming back tomorrow.” – Theodore Epp
People who live like this turn Jesus into a deadbeat dad. Everyday you wake up looking forward to seeing him, and everyday he doesn’t show. He promised you that he would take you to the park today, and you’ve been looking forward to it since yesterday. But by the evening you’re holding back tears as your mom tries to convince you that Jesus was probably having car troubles, and will definitely be here tomorrow. Behind closed doors she curses at him on the telephone, so loudly that you can hear her through the walls as you cry yourself to sleep. Eventually she gets fed up with Jesus’ ways and is granted sole custody of you and your siblings, with no visitation rights granted to Jesus.
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” – Richard L. Evans
Excluded:
The Menendez Brothers.
“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss
I had a dream the other night that I was a billionaire in charge of a Skittles factory. I don’t want to sound like a Scrooge when it comes to romance, but life really doesn’t get any better than that. I would think that out of all people in the world who would understand how amazing it would be to own a candy factory, it would be Dr. Seuss.
“To be great is to be misunderstood” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I somewhat disagree. When it comes to the quiet kid in the back of the class who draws pictures of horses instead of listening to the math lesson, I understand. That kid may be great. But when it comes to the kid who snorts paste on a non-existent dare, licks brick walls, and brings dangerous martial arts weapons to school, I disagree. That kid is not great. He’s dangerous, and should not be in the same room as other human beings. I think when Emerson said this, he was trying to justify the actions of his delinquent step son who was being held in prison for lighting nuns on fire.
“I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.” – Abraham Lincoln
Come on Abe. How does this scenario make life better? Before you had an enemy who you saw maybe once or twice a year. Now you have a new friend you hate that drops by all the time. You’re eating dinner with a loved one on a Thursday evening when this jackass comes over with a jug of whiskey, a UFC compilation tape, and a sleeping bag. That’s the point where you remember exactly why you hated this guy, and will soon be forced to make him your enemy again. Awk-ward!
“Clean your finger before you point at my spots.” – Benjamin Franklin
Eww.
“Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.” – Chinese Proverb
I agree 100% with this. I’m just surprised that the Chinese, who are known for their overwhelming intellect, needed to be reminded of this. What else do they need to be reminded of? Don’t eat your friends fingertips? Don’t kill your friends favorite relative? Unfortunately I think I’ll have to be more cautious of the Chinese from now on.
“It’s easy to halve the potato when theirs love.” – Irish Proverb
It’s unfortunate, but sharing a potato is about as romantic as the Irish can get.
“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” – Oscar Wilde
I really wish that when I put diesel gas into my parents mini-van in high school, someone would have taught me beforehand that it was going to destroy it. Looking back, I think that is something that would fall under the category of “worth knowing.” It would probably also fall under the category of “too obvious to ever be taught.”
“A road to a friend’s house is never long.” – Danish Proverb
Obviously Denmark has no plot of land that is even close to resembling that of rural Nebraska.
By Sean Patrick
Handgendobia – Fear that the size of my hands means that I was born female.
Everybodobia – Fear that another network will start airing Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.
Garaphobia – Fear that one day I’ll end up living in Gary, Indiana.
Onearmpullobia – Fear that me holding the record for most one arm pull ups in a row was just a dream. If not, the new record is 0.03.
Snookobia – Fear that because MTV was on during childbirth, I will name my first daughter Snooki.
Pintankobia – Fear that the pink glittered tank top I bought for myself at The Gap isn’t as stylish as the giggling saleswoman promised it was.
Toolchrisobia – Fear that any of the guys on VH1’s Tool Academy are actually the second coming of Jesus.
Kerrigaphonbia – Fear that I will have to make an emergency phone call but the only phone available for miles is being used by Nancy Kerrigan’s brother. He takes his phone time very seriously.
Cameltoboss’kidobia – Fear that immediately after I’m hired by a Fortune 500 company, I will be invited to accompany my boss and his kid to the zoo as a “get to know your character” activity, and will laugh out loud when his kid tells me to “look at that camel’s toe!”
Volkswagenazibia – Fear that because I drive a German car, I’m somewhat responsible for the Holocaust.
Arachnophobiaphobia – Fear of ever having to watch Arachnophobia again.
By Sean Patrick
As the second most romantic holiday of the year approaches (the first being flag day), men around the country are struggling to come up with the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Although I can’t help you with what to get that special someone, I can definitely tell you what not to get that special someone.
Any sort of 9/11 memorabilia. Even though “she’ll never forget,” Valentine’s day is not the day to remember.
Glamour shots. Not only does this imply that you think she needs a professional makeover, but I don’t think glamour shots has updated their wardrobe since the mid eighties. So all you’re going to get out of this is a pissed off girlfriend and a picture of her in an American flag jean jacket.
Anything found at Spencer gifts. Even their most romantic item, a black light poster of the land of Mordor, is not in the least bit romantic… unless you’re dating a hobbit… in which case you should stop referring to your short girlfriend as a hobbit. She’s probably starting to get really pissed about it.
An all expense paid trip to Reno. You’re basically begging her to get crabs.
The Direct TV exclusive NFL Sunday Ticket package. She’s just getting over the fact that, because Justin Fargas was on your fantasy team, you made her watch the entire Monday Night Football game between the Raiders and the Dolphins. Don’t derive that painful memory on this special holiday.
Granny panties. As much as it made you and your friends laugh when you bought them at TJ Maxx, she won’t find the humor in it.
Commemorative presidential plates. Even though she voted for Obama, she will have no idea what she is supposed to do with a plate with his face on it. (rs)
Anything that involves the word “fart.” This includes fart machines, fart powder, and fart candy. This reiterates my point that you shouldn’t buy her anything from Spencer Gifts.
An act of love that involves causing yourself physical harm. In the end, it’s not worth it. Ask Van Gogh. Loudly.
A signed legal document stating that you promise to never cheat on her again, with the word again written in tiny font.
Anything she needs. Even though she has talked for months about needing a phillips head screwdriver or a new toilet brush, Valentine’s Day is not the time to give them to her. Those are gifts you should get her on a random Tuesday in June.
A novelty t-shirt. Again, as funny as you and your buddies thought the “Honk if You’re Horny” t-shirt was, she won’t. In fact, as a rule of thumb, don’t take any of your single friends Valentine’s Day shopping with you. They just want to destroy your relationship so you can play more Halo.
By Sean Patrick
Liked
The Tim Tebow Commercial – I love the fact that in a commercial advertising a website whose focus is on healthy family relationships, they have a mother getting violently abused by her son. Out of nowhere, while Mrs. Tebow is telling a touching story about almost losing her child, Tim runs up and tackles her. What kind of message are they trying to get across? They might as well have put Elizabeth Smart’s kidnappers up there to talk about the importance of togetherness.
Didn’t Like
The Website the Tebow’s Were Promoting- I went on it for three seconds and got bored out of my mind. It made me want to tackle Tim Tebow’s mother.
Liked
CBS Showing the Manning Family – It’s inspiring to see a group of that many accomplished individuals in a confined area. It’s like seeing the Kennedy’s if they weren’t all dead.
Didn’t Like
Where are the Kardashian’s? – I spend all week hearing about the Kardashian’s going to the Super Bowl, yet CBS never showed them. What the hell is that? I was expecting to see Bruce Jenner’s face splitting apart after a Saints touchdown or Khloe doing one arm pull ups after a clutch field goal. E! would have broadcasted the game much more efficiently.
Liked
Not One Time During the Pregame Coverage, During the Game, or the Post Game Celebration did CBS Play the Angle of New Orleans Winning the Game for their Devastated City.
Didn’t Like
Eight Thousand Times During the Pregame Coverage, During the Game, and the Post Game Celebration, CBS Played the Angle of New Orleans Winning the Game for their Devastated City – I mean, what about Indianapolis? You think they don’t have a recent tragedy on their hands? A week ago today a kid at a downtown high school pulled a fire alarm… when there was no fire! And that was on a day when they got two inches of snow! It’s enough to make even the toughest man weep.
Liked
How They Had a Live Feed on Bourbon Street for the Game.
Didn’t Like
How the Saints Won – I didn’t care too much either way, but when I know that they have a live camera on Bourbon street, I would rather watch fans reacting to a loss rather than a win. Reactions to winning are typical: people on the street jumping, clapping, hugging. Losing though… that’s when the horse cops horses are slain, squirrels are set on fire, and elderly women are kidnapped. That’s the type of Sunday night programming I want to watch from the comfort of my own living room.
Liked
Peyton Manning’s Forehead – I could marvel at it for hours. What kind of brain is that thing shielding?
Didn’t Like
Drew Brees’ Mole – I felt like if I kept staring at it, I would get cancer.
Liked
The Halftime Show – I thought The Who, although they looked like a band formed at the local VFW, did a great job.
Didn’t Like
I Didn’t See One Boob During the Halftime Show – I’m sorry, but Janet raised the bar. It doesn’t have to be a female boob… Pete Townsend could show one. I just feel that Janet started a fabulous tradition and, considering the recent loss of her brother, we should honor it.
By Sean Patrick
33/M. Looking for the type of woman I can take to a funeral. Please respond ASAP, it’s on Wednesday and I’m sick of my cousins thinking I’m gay. Must love dogs.
38/F. Recently divorced, looking for a man who would do anything for me. This includes opening up doors, picking up the check, and murdering my ex-husband. His name is Phil Argentin. He lives at 53 E. Foster Ave, Apt. 8B. A slow death is preferred. Bald men need not respond.
33/M. I’m a pyromaniac Fireman born and raised in in the Buffalo area. Looking for an adventurous female who loves irony.
42/M. Sweet, intelligent charity worker with endless amounts of love to give. I enjoy a nice sunset, fresh air, and the happiness of others. Looking for a female who is interested in friendship or possibly more. Looks don’t matter as long as you are beautiful on the inside. Must believe the Holocaust was a hoax.
28/M. Can’t think of anything to blog about today. Maybe it’s because I spend too many hours looking out my window and hoping people will drive over the pothole in our parking lot. Maybe it’s because I marvel too much at the fact that the sun hasn’t been out in Roselle since the 2008 Summer Olympics. Maybe I’m just too excited for the release of 2012 on DVD to concentrate. Maybe I shouldn’t be excited, I hear it’s terrible. In fact, I don’t even want to watch it. I just like a good DVD release. Maybe it’s because I’m sad that I’m losing my ability to spel. Maybe it’s because I fear writing a stupid joke, like the one in the previous sentence. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time wondering what kind of shady business is going on with the people that use the payphone across the street. Maybe the can of Diet Coke I’m drinking from is damaging my brain. It has been open and sitting out for over 28 hours. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time fist pumping. Maybe it’s because I’m still depressed that I missed the winter solstice. I guess I didn’t miss it, I just didn’t realize that it was going on. It would have been a good thing to know. I could have made t-shirts. I had the perfect idea too. I was going to put a big picture of a mole on the front, and under it it was going to say Winter Molestice. I wonder if I’ll ever stop beating myself up over that. Must love dogs.
