By Sean Patrick
“Is your sabbatical turning out the way you thought it would?”
I get that question a lot. I also get asked about what I do all day. In order to answer the first question, I will have to begin with the second.
Typically I’ll wake up around 2 or 3 pm. I know what you’re thinking: that early? Tell me about it. But there’s always a train that goes by my place at that ungodly hour. It’s not the first train of the day to pass by my window, I’m just way too passed out from the night before to be woken up by any of the earlier ones. Again I know what you’re thinking:
“Why don’t you just party harder so you can be passed out longer and not wake up to the early 3 pm train?”
Because I’m an adult.
After my early rise, I go straight to the television to make sure that TLC doesn’t have a Little People Big World marathon on. If it does I will be busy for the next 7-8 hours, and will neglect to get any sort of work done. Unfortunately the marathons aren’t as frequent as we would all hope, so typically I’m forced to do other things, such as…
Check to see if any of my other favorite shows happen to be on. These shows include Cake Boss, True Life, For The Love of Ray J, Jon and Kate Plus 8 (the getting divorced episodes), Roseanne, 650 lb Virgin (there’s only two episodes of this, but sometimes they play them all day), Half Ton Teen, King of Queens, Real World, Real World Road Rules Challenge, whatever is on the TV Guide Channel, Will and Grace, The View, Rachel Ray cooking show, Rachel Ray talk show, Rock of Love, The Hills, and Drake and Josh. If by chance none of these are on, I reluctantly get myself off the couch and begin my day.
The first step in starting my afternoon is making myself presentable. I take a shower, brush my teeth, and most importantly, style my hair.
Unfortunately, because I’ve spent so much energy making myself look delicious, I’m now exhausted and forced to take a nap. Depending on my mood, my naps can range anywhere from 3 hours to my entire nights sleep. So there is a possibility that I may not wake up for another 22 hours. But normally these naps are around 3 to 4 hours, and at about 7:30 pm I’m ready to start my day…
… well not exactly.
Because of the position of my head during the nap, my hair is now sticking up. Even though I spend most of the day alone, I don’t want to embarrass myself by walking around with a messy hairdo. So I’m back in the shower.
After I clean myself up is when I have to practice great discipline. Because I used up so much energy in the shower, my first instinct is to take another nap. But I know that it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to do so, which is why I have to chug two liters of Barq’s Root Beer to keep me awake. I used to do one liter, but because this routine is so frequent my tolerance for caffeine has doubled. Luckily no studies have proven that soda pop is bad for you.
After I get myself on a dangerous caffeine high, I get to work.
And by work, I mean that I double check to make sure that none of my television shows are on. Chances are that at least one of them is, but in the unlikely case that none of them are I am forced to make a difficult choice: sit and wait for one of these programs to air, or do some writing. Fortunately I take so long trying to make this choice that one of my shows eventually comes on, and I am obligated by destiny to watch television. Buuuuuuuut, if by some miracle none of these programs are on, I head to my computer to do some writing.
Before I attempt to fulfill my vow to become a screenwriter, I check the internet to make sure that there’s nothing more interesting I can be doing on my computer. Something that I do find more interesting than writing is watching YouTube videos involving people lip synching or dancing. Because I’m the luckiest boy in the world, there is an abundance of these videos on YouTube. And since I like to enjoy a nice cocktail while watching idiots perform, I make myself a drink, sit back and enjoy the shows.
By the end of the night I’ve watched six hours of pure entertainment and have drank nine cocktails, and now I’m ready for bed. But because I’m so goal oriented and I’m supposed to become a writer, I decide to check the internet to see if there are any blogs that have been posted by other people that I can pass off as my own. Luckily there’s a really HILARIOUS guy whose blogs I plagiarize and post on my website.
Feeling like I accomplished something, I make myself another drink and watch TV Land until I pass out. So going back to the first question, the answer is yes, my sabbatical is turning out exactly how I thought it would.
By Sean Patrick
SEAN MILNA-HO! AND THE EARLY MORNING DINGLEBERRIES
Sean Milna-HO! and the Early Morning Dingleberries is a radio talk show that will knock your socks off! Banned by the FCC for playing our music too loud and saying things that would make Abraham Lincoln turn over in his wooden grave, we are now on shaking things up on Satellite Radio like it was the San Francisco Earthquake of ‘89. But don’t worry, we won’t selfishly interrupt the World Series! That’s not our style!
Come meet our crew!
SEAN MILNA-HO!
27 year old shock jock born and raised in the Chicagoland area. He has a PHD in loud decibels and being controversial! Don’t worry America, you can count on Sean to say all the things that you’re afraid to say! “On my way to work today I saw the gas prices. What’s that all about?!?” – Sean Milna-HO!, 9/23/09.
THE DINGLEBERRIES!
Fred Durst
Former musical revolutionist turned sloppy comic sidekick. He used to do it all for the nookie, but now he does it all for The Dingleberries! And he’s not afraid to say anything! “I don’t like these gas prices.” – Fred Durst, 10/7/09.
Eileen
26 year old female from small town Nebraska who just graduated with her masters in communication. Nerd Alert! It’s safe to say she didn’t know what she was getting into when she joined The Dingleberries! “Why do you guys talk about gas prices so much?” – Eileen, 10/22/09
Phil the Gross
Every morning show needs an ugly guy, check out ours! Phil the Gross is a 33 year old we flew in from China so we can get a fresh perspective from the eyes of a foreigner suffering from elephantitis of the face. “Mmph mmm mpph mm!’ – Phil the Gross, 9/14/09. Oh no he didn’t!
Sleepy Susie 
Wake up, little Susie. Oh wait, she can’t! 24 year old Sleepy Suzie has been in an induced coma for months! When she came on our show four months ago, Susie decided that life was a bore. So we put her into a coma, and now we’re not sure how to get her out of it! So if you hear heavy breathing on the air, that’s not Fred Durst pervin out over our hot celebrity guest: that’s Sleepy Susie catching up on some unneeded z’s! (it also might mean that we have to move Gary the Gross’ head because he’s having trouble getting enough air).
What Do You Guys Talk About?!?
Anything and everything! You think we won’t go there, but we’ve already been there and we’re just getting back!
Don’t like the weather outside? Call in! We’ll say the things you want to say about it but don’t because society says you shouldn’t! “This weather sucks!” – Fred Durst, 7/12/09. Did he just say that?!?
Think garbage smells to bad? Let us know about it! We’ll keep it real! “Garbage stinks!” – Sean Milna-HO!, 5/14/09. We’re gonna get some hate-mail for that one!
Also, tune in every FLASHBACK FRIDAY when we talk about celebrity gossip from over twenty years ago that is now innaccurate and sometimes offensive!
“River Phoenix has reportedly been partying a lot over at the Viper Room these days. I’m sure he’ll be fine.” – Eileen, 7/15/09
“Reports are that after filming Doc Hollywood, Michael J. Fox is interested in becoming a surgeon. I can see that working!” – Fred Durst, 8/12/09
“OJ Simpson is apparently going to be in a movie! I don’t know if he’s much of an actor, but he’ll always be the nicest guy in the world.” – Sean Milna-HO!, 6/20/09
Our Pledge to You
We at the Sean Milna-HO! and the Early Morning Dingelberries Radio Show promise a rockin good time in the morning, interrupted only by three hours of commercials from our delightful sponsors. We also guarantee a pleasantly different radio experience than any other shock jock program out there. We vow never to make light of any sort of mental disabilites.* Also, unlike The Howard Stern Show and the TLC network we refuse to exploit little people. We just want to listen to our music to loud and shake up the authority!
Sean Milna-HO! and the Early Morning Dingleberries is on the air every weekday from 5am-9am. Listen in as Sean and his gang of misfits say the things that you are afraid to say!
*Please note, Gary the Gross is mentally sound, just disgusting.
By Sean Patrick
As the years go by and the seasons change, so do the things that impress women. Take the grunge era for example. The guys belonging to this crowd got all the women back in the early nineties. But now if a man doesn’t shower, constantly acts oppressed/depressed and wears only flannel, he would be known as Steve, the creepy homeless guy who poops on your lawn and licks your windows.
Fortunately I’m an expert when it comes to women*, and over the years I have discovered five things that will always impress them. Gentlemen… you’re welcome.
The Mustache – Just like fart jokes, the mustache is timeless. Women are always impressed with a big mustache.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be cool!” – woman from the eighties.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be hilarious! – present day woman.
Even when it’s out of style, it’s in style. When you grow one you’ll think that it makes you look ugly or twenty years older, and you know what? You’re right, it totally does. But women love an older ugly guy. Why do you think George Clooney is so popular?
Gi-ross.
Sleeveless Shirts – Women are always impressed with a man who constantly wears no sleeves. You know why? Because all females love armpit hair. They find nothing sexier in the world than seeing a man’s outrageously long underarm bush. It’s like finding a dead raccoon in your bed: it’s unexplainably arousing.
Polluting – Nothing tells a woman that she’s with a renaissance man like not caring about the environment. Chucking trash out your car window while driving through a subdivision reveals your bad boy tendencies. Even if you’re with an environmentalist who is deeply offended by the act of littering, she will melt once you throw an entire bag full of McDonald’s wrappers into the ocean. And in the rare case where she does react negatively, remind her that the world is ending in 2012. This will change her perspective of you and turn her into a bona fide litter bug. That’ll show you Al Gore! 
Animal Cruelty – Women adore a man who can dominate a defenseless animal. It shows them that you have no problem with shocking displays of unnecessary aggressiveness. Why do you think Hitler was such a ladies man?
Lets imagine that you’re on a romantic stroll through a dog park. Your best move is to bring a taser and show those puppies who the boss is.
Your lady will pretend to be repulsed by the spectacle and may not talk to you for decades, maybe even the rest of her life. But on her death bed you can be assured that the image of you tasering dozens of adorable puppies will run through her head… and she will be impressed with the fact that you gave her a long lasting terrifying image she could never escape from. Kudos to you.
Jokes Made Too Soon – Women adore a man that will go there before anyone else would even consider it, all for the sake of a good laugh. To let a woman know that she is with a comic genius all you have to do is tell a joke that deals with a very recent tragedy. The more recent and more tragic, the better.
A good time for this is at a wake for one of her relatives. After spending some time at the funeral home, bring up the idea of going to get some food afterwards. When she agrees, say to her, “You know who won’t be coming?” Then point over at the open casket.
She’ll pretend to cry afterwards and won’t return your phone calls ever again, but one day she’ll tell her new boyfriend the joke that made her leave you, and it will make him laugh hard. That’s when she’ll be impressed with your unconventional comedic stylings.
*I have an online degree to prove it, courtesy of the University of Phoenix
By Sean Patrick
Celebrity gossip columns are the hottest thing on the internet these days. Perez Hilton, TMZ, E! Online… these sites are visited more often at the work place than any website that updates the status of the company’s stock.
Because I want this blog to be as popular as possible, I am totally willing to spread gossip about celebrities. Unfortunately (fortunately) I don’t live in L.A. where the celebrities are plentiful. Instead I live in Roselle, Il, where the last celebrity sighting was October 23rd, 1993, when Mr. T. took a train through our downtown area (kids still get a day off of school on the anniversary).
Since celebrities are so scarce around here, I decided that I would just gossip about the citizens of Roselle so frequently that they themselves end up becoming celebrities. These are the juicy stories I was able to obtain.
Susan Caught Red Handed!
Susan Gates, an employee at the Citgo Gas Station located at the corner of North and Franklin, was caught counting money today after a customer exchanged it for goods and services. “I had no idea what was going on!” explained the surprised customer. “She just kept counting!” Susan’s reps were confused on what was being reported and declined to comment on the incident.
Grace Late For Work!
Local businesswoman Grace Gole forgot where she put her keys last night, causing her to be late for work. “I just forgot where I put them! Then I found them! It was a relief, but also frustrating!” Her manager was not available to make a statement, but a source that works closely with him is reporting that he is not happy. Yikes!
High School Student Caught Cheating!
An unididentified student at Lake Park High School was reportedly caught cheating on a test today. Sources say it was a male in his teens. “I bet it was Richard Larsen,” claimed former girlfriend Lindsay Rollings. “He’s a dog.” Woof woof!
My Neighbor is Going to The Bulls Game!
My next door neighbor, whose name I have yet to figure out, is reportedly attending the next Bulls home game. I was on the scene as he revealed this information to the other person that was on the elevator with us. We will hopefully have a full update on how it went in the future.
DOG REPORTED LOST HAS BEEN FOUND!
Molly, the most popular puppy is Roselle, was found today after weeks of searching! Meredith Krause, the 26 year old owner of Molly, found the precious puppy dead under her living room sofa. “I’m glad she’s home!” exclaimed an ecstatic Meredith. “What am I saying? She never left home!” Investigators are looking into whether Meredith realizes the puppy is dead.
Phil Caught Jaywalking!
Philip Joseph Getz, better known as PJ’s, was caught jaywalking around 1:32 pm on Tuesday in the Middleton subdivision. The lifelong crossing guard is known as a role model for helping children develop the skills necessary to cross the streets safely at all times. The news sent a shock wave through the community. “I can’t believe this is happening!” cried a parent who wished to remain anonymous. “What am I supposed to tell my kids?!?”
A representative for Getz claims that his client was at his home and was simply crossing the street to get his friend’s mail who is currently on vacation. His friend wasn’t in town to comment.
UPDATE ON HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT CAUGHT CHEATING
Richard Larsen, formally accused of cheating on a test at Lark Park High School by his former girlfriend, reportedly attends the University of Chicago. Although he did not cheat on the test, his history of infidelity is being investigated.
Steven Not in the Mood for Taco Bell!
Local construction worker/Taco Bell enthusiast Steven Defrain asked his coworkers today if they could get something other than Taco Bell for lunch. “I’m just not in the mood for it,” he told one of our reporters. “I had it last night.” Taco Bell has yet to confirm this statement.
By Sean Patrick
My Bucket List
Make a comical special guest appearance on an episode of 16 and Pregnant.
Get gastric bypass surgery and try to beat it by following a strict diet of weight gainer and malt liquor.
Be invited to The White House, but turn it down because that day I’m scheduled to get a perm.
Make a bucket list.
Successfully predict the end of the world and live to tell about it.
Clone an evil version of myself and defeat him.
Rent Bucket List but don’t watch it. Then forget to take it back for a couple weeks and try to get out of the late fee.
Be acquitted of a very serious crime on national television.
Be found guilty of this very same crime at the civil trial.
Legally change my first name to %.
Be labeled “heroic” by a foreigner.
Be suspended from a chess league because of a positive test for steroids.
Work at a Bath and Body Works until I become the owner. Then once in charge, change the focus of the franchise from lotions, bath items, personal care products and home fragrances to whoopie cushions and fart machines.
Go to Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel and wear a blindfold throughout the entire visit.
Adopt a Kenyan and make him the slowest runner at his school.
By Sean Patrick
It’s one of the most exciting nights of a twelve-year-old boy’s year. One of his friends has just turned twelve and the parents of the birthday boy have decided to throw him a sleep over party. Anywhere from six to thirty pre-teen males are invited to stay the night at a house that most of them have never been to.
When I think back to sleep over parties I went to in grade school, I tend to mesh them all into one memory. This is because all pre-teen boy sleep over parties are exactly the same.
The night always starts out great. All the guys get to the house around six p.m. with their sleeping bags, and they are so excited they almost weep. The night begins with pizza, soda, and cake, followed by presents. Present time is the first minor glitch in the evening, for each boy feels a slight hint of jealousy when the amazing gifts that their friend is receiving are opened. But the jealousy impulse is ignored and the evening continues.
The party goes great for hours and everyone has a blast, but in the back of their minds every kid knows that the real party starts when the parents go to bed. Around 10:30 is when they typically decide to do this.
At the age of 11 or 12, boys typically can’t stay up past 10:30. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain evenings where they are awake until midnight or maybe even a little later. But typically 10:30 is the time where they start getting tired. NOT AT SLEEP OVERS. It’s as if before they showed up every kid did a couple hits of trucker speed, and instead of falling asleep at 10:30 each kid is able to stay up until next Thursday.
As the parents declare that they are doing to sleep, they put on a movie for the kids to watch and tell them to try and keep it down. Then they depart to their bedrooms hoping that the kids will pass out during the film. But that’s impossible for two reasons:
1) the trucker speed.
2) there’s always one kid that wont shut the fuck up during the movie.
Even if the movie is the greatest piece of cinema ever produced for a twelve-year-old crowd, there’s always one annoying prick that wants to show off his comedic talents during it. He’ll make fart noises, talk like a midget, pretend to snore… he’ll do anything to ruin this for everyone. Each kid gets mad at this little bastard, but his defense is always, “this is a sleep over, we should be doing something more fun!” So even though 99.99% of the population was intersted in watching the movie, they are now forced to keep the annoying kid entertained.
So everyone starts playing with the best present that the birthday boy got. Each kid is having a blast, but after a couple minutes of quality playing time tragedy strikes: someone breaks the toy. Unfortunately it’s typically by the kid who is struggling the most with his weight (as if he didn’t have enough problems). He vows to get a job washing dishes so he can buy a new toy for his friend, but that doesn’t stop the birthday boy from getting extremely upset on his special day. This leads to constant at any twelve-year-old boy’s pajama party.
Crying. Someone always has to cry. You are all dudes about to enter middle school, but that doesn’t stop at least one of you from shedding a few tears. This usually happens after the the best toy ever invented was destroyed by fatty right in front of the birthday boy’s eyes. Maybe it will be Mr. Birthday that cries, or maybe it will be Mr. I-Ruined-My-Friend’s-Birthday. It could even be the kid whose parents bought the toy who does the crying. Either way someone must cry, and it typically happens at this point of the evening. But not always.
At some point in the night everyone decides that there should be wrestling. This is already a terrible idea, but it gets worse when the wrestling matches are chosen. The two boys that have the biggest problem with each other are always paired up to fight. Everyone knows they slightly hate each other, so it seems obvious that they should wrestle. This is sure to be the match-up of the evening and because everyone is so eager to see what happens during it, this pair is always the first and last fight of the night.
The fight always begins playful… a little pushing, maybe a comical body slam. But at some point one of the kids gets slightly hurt. Although it’s nothing serious it changes everything. The once playful wrestling has now turned into scratching, headlocks and body jabs (luckily twelve-year-old boys aren’t masculine enough yet to feel comfortable with punching another kid in the face). Unfortunately there are no Gandhi peacekeepers in the crowd, so the fight ensues for what seems to be hours until either one kid gives up and starts crying or the mother comes downstairs.
At every slumber party a mother has to come down wearing a nightgown that they’ve had since the Nixon administration.
She’ll tell you to go to bed, but because you’re seeing your friends mom in such an unappealing outfit for the first time it’s hard to take her seriously. So the noise continues, and after a while she comes down again looking even worse.
The second time she comes down everyone pretends to go to sleep, but giggling and fake fart noises (made by the same asshole kid from earlier) makes it obvious that no one is sleeping. But on the second trip the mother brings out the big guns.
“Next time there’s noise I’m sending my husband down here!”
This is typically enough to calm kids down. Although twelve-year-olds are somewhat intimidated by their friends moms, they are terrified of their dads. Even if their dad was Mr. Rogers himself each kid would want nothing to do with him coming downstairs. 
So at this point of the night the boys start to calm down and watch television. That’s when the first person would actually fall asleep. And when one kid falls asleep, all the other kids turn into assholes. Kids gather up all the excess snack foods and start putting them on this poor souls head. After a few minutes of this the victim will lightly wake up and innocently tell “his friends” to stop. Then he’ll go back to sleep, prompting his friends to put different objects on his head such as couch cushions, napkins and paper plates. The kid wakes up again, and slightly more annoyed but still polite he will request that everyone leave him alone.
This is the point in the evening where someone wants to attempt to pull off the most popular sleep over myth of all time: putting the victims hand into a warm bucket of water to see if he’ll pee himself. They’ve already treated this kid like a captured terrorist, why not see if they can make him urinate all over his sleeping bag?
For some reason or another a bucket can never be found, so the kids decide to put the warm water into a cup and try to shove the unfortunate child’s hand into it. Although twelve year old hands are small, they’re never small enough to fit comfortably into a normal sized cup. When the kid’s hand is attempting to be shoved into such a tiny space it wakes him up… and he’s mad. “LEAVE ME ALONE! GO TO BED YOU JERKS! I HATE YOU!”
The kid screams this at a volume that rivals most tornado sirens. The neighbors neighbors neighbors neighbors even heard it. Everyone is shocked. They didn’t know they had it in him. Each kid rushes to their sleeping bag and immediately pretends to be asleep knowing that the dad is sure to come down.
Within a minute the dad arrives, and he is PISSED. “Who is making all the noise?!?” he’ll demand, but everyone is too scared to say anything. “I know you’re up!”
This is the first time a twelve year old can tell if any of his friends are going to be in the high school drama club. Each kid opens their eyes slowly and tries to act as if they were sleeping. They’ll even state that they were asleep and pretend that they didn’t what was going on. Most performances are poor, but one kid always pulls it off perfectly. This kid is going to have a bright future in acting. Nothing proves that better than the kid in my class that could always do it perfectly.
Two Time Oscar Winner Mr. Daniel Day Lewis
Because getting yelled at by a friend’s father is the scariest thing ever, no one has a problem with obliging to his request to go to bed. And although the evening is over, there is still one more thing that always happens.
When everyone wakes up in the morning, one of the kids is not there. It’s like The Blair Witch Project. No one has any idea where this dude went. After some investigating the mother reveals that the missing child wanted to go home at 4 am and had his parents come pick him up. It’s always the kid that you wouldn’t expect this from that does this. After everyone passed out, he mustered up the balls to walk through a dark house he is not familiar with, go into his friend’s parents room, both of which have yelled at him within the last two hours, wake them up and request that they call his parents so he can go home.
It blows everyones mind that this kid left. But he is quickly forgotten about once breakfast time begins, and all the kids get to see the odd cereal collection their friend has.
By Sean Patrick
I’ve been asked what I would do if I didn’t become a screenwriter after my year off. Like most Americans, I guess I would be forced to check the Want Ads in the local paper to try to find employment. This sounds like a dreary end to my sabbatical, but I’m hoping to find ads like these as I seek a new profession.
MULTI-TRILLION DOLLAR COMPANY LOOKING TO PAY YOU FOR DOING NOTHING
We’re a successful company that is looking for a male in his late twenties that wouldn’t mind getting paid for not doing any work. Salary starting in the $80,000 range, but can/will be negotiated if simply asked. You will have your own office, a B-list celebrity secretary, and mafia connections. We ask that you at least come to work once a week for an hour or two, but if you can’t make it in we won’t have any way of knowing. Please don’t send a resume, just email us a yes or no response.
SPENCER GIFTS SEEKING MAN TO TEST OUT GAG GIFTS
Spencer gifts, an industry giant for years, is looking for a 27 year old former screenwriter that wouldn’t mind playing with weird toys all day in the comfort of your own home. Fart machines, hand buzzers, fake vomit… you name it, you’ll be playing with it. Six months vacation time granted, and salary is completely your call.
COUPLE LOOKING FOR FILM SCHOOL DROPOUT TO VIDEOTAPE OUR PUPPIES
We are young newlyweds who cannot get enough of our darling doggies. Unfortunately because of our jobs, we are forced to spend most of our time away from our little angels. What we want is a former film student from the Midwest to come over once a week and film our puppies doing adorable things. It won’t be hard, they are trained to be totally cute. Our neighbor, the girl that plays Pam on the NBC hit show The Office, will be more than happy to keep you company during your film sessions. $2000 per week is our pay, plus we will provide you with a car, do your laundry, and pay your rent.
WARNER BROTHERS LOOKING FOR A MAN TO SIMPLY WATCH MOVIES
Do you like watching movies but would never want to critique them because you would feel bad giving negative feedback to a filmmaker? We are looking for a gentlemen whose first name starts with a letter in the second part of the alphabet to watch movies for us. Any movie you want, we’ll provide. Already seen it? Watch it again! Not enjoying the movie? Turn it off! We will require for you to watch at least one True Life episode per week, so if this is a problem please do NOT apply. Salary is too big to put on paper… lets just say that you’ll make Oprah look like a Surreal Life participant.
BILL MURRAY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HANG OUT WITH
Bill is bored, and he wants a male companion to spend some quality male bonding time with. Activities will include going to Chicago sporting events, watching his movies with him, and drinking. Must be caucasion, 5′11, and currently living in Roselle, Il. Do the right thing Sean Milnamow… call us.
