By Sean Patrick
I realized the other day that I’ve never really had a cool nickname. Growing up I was pretty chunky, so my family called me “Bubba.” However, I’ve never had a nickname that didn’t lead to an eating disorder and terrible body image issues. Therefore, I wanted to make a list of nicknames that I would enjoy having.
Dangerous – How cool would it be to be called “Dangerous.” If someone called out “Hey Dangerous!” in a packed bar and were referring to me, it would make it a lot easier for others in the crowd to overlook my Dawson’s Creek sweatshirt, a must wear for any loyal Creeker out on the town.
Mary Poppins/Iraq – The combination of these two nicknames would be monumental. “I’m Sean, but some of my friends call me Iraq; my other friends call me Mary Poppins.” I’m sure Mary Poppins and Iraq have never come up in the same sentence, and if they have, the person that did so probably had quite the story.
Light Switch – This one would work better for when I meet the ladies cause I have a great line for it. But if I met a guy and he asked why they call me Light Switch, it be awkward to have to say, “Cause I’ll turn you on.”
Dyslexic, But I’m Not – “I’m Sean. People call me Dyslexic, But I’m Not.”
The Guy Who Saved The Day – I think I would introduce myself to everyone I saw if I could say, “My friends know me as The Guy Who Saved The Day.”
Jordan Catalano – What mid twenties boy wouldn’t want to be called Jordan Catalano?
Jon and Kate Plus Eight – It’s such a topical show right now, and since I’d love to be in US Magazine, I could call them and say “Jon and Kate Plus Eight is at the Jewel on the East Side of Elgin!” Then when they showed up I’d be wearing a super cute outfit, making them want to take my picture and put me in the magazine anyway.
(my super cute outfit)
That Cute Guy From Twilight’s Older Brother - Teenagers would love me if I introduced myself as “That Cute Guy from Twilight’s Older Brother.” I may hit a snag in the road once they realize I don’t know his name, but man would I be popular with them for a minute or two. And just like Raven Symone, I know how important it is to be loved by teens for a short period of time.
The Guy Who Knows How To Get A Pair Of That Cute Guy From Twilight’s Underwear – Please see above.
A Lot Because I’m Dying – This one would be great for getting free drinks. “I’m Sean. My friends call me A Lot Because I’m Dying. Want to buy me a drink?” The answer most often would be “yes.” The downside is that it could only be used for a short period of time before people would start to wonder why I’m not dead.
… Wait… Did You Just Fart? - It’d be a great icebreaker if I could say, “Hey, I’m Sean, AKA… Wait… Did You Just Fart?”
Pauly Shore – “I’m Sean, but people call me Pauly Shore because I don’t have a job.”
Please feel free to call me any of the above nicknames if you see me in a public setting.
By Sean Patrick
Something that I’ve noticed about Facebook lately is the abundance of quizzes that they have floating around. From “Which Office character are you?” (I’m Pam by the way) to “Which Sex and the City Couple are You?” (I’m Carrie and Big by the way), these quizzes are taking over Facebook. And guess what? I’m a fan.
That’s why I wanted to make my own quizzes. However, since I lack the proper tools to make an actual quiz,* I decided that I would just come up with subjects for Facebook quizzes as well as a sample answer for each quiz. Boo yah.
Which Natural Disaster Are You?
Tsunami, 2004
You tend to come out of nowhere! When it comes to social functions it’s rarity for you to show up… but when you do you sure make a splash when you enter a room! You love visiting third world countries and leave a lasting impression every time you do!
What Al-Qaeda Member Are You?
Raingzieb Ahmed
You’re hairy and scary! Most people don’t know who you are, but they sure want you executed! You hang out with a tough crowd, but because they are the only hate group that shares the same fashion sense as you, you find it hard to make new friends. You also take Forrest Gump-like pictures.
Which Rugrats Character Would You be Found Guilty of Sexually Molesting?
Phil and Lil
You swing both ways, partner! You’re an indecisive predator that is a sucker for two-for-one deals, and you seem to have a thing for little boys with gender identity issues!
Which O.J. Simpson Murder Victim Are You?
Ronald Goldman
You always seem to find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time! You have friends that tend to get you involved in fights that have nothing to do with you, and you unfairly share the brunt of these altercations! You also have a dad with a great mustache!
What Type of Roadkill Are You?
Possum
You’re disgusting and no one will care when you die!
Which Accidental Britney Spears Baby Are You?
Jayden James Federline (The Second One)
It’s because of you that your parents got divorced! You are a bigger mistake than Vietnam, and unlike your older brother, your mother doesn’t believe in your intelligence enough to teach you how to drive! But your dad is hilarious! (please visit www.seanssabbatical.com/my-favorite-rap-album-of-all-time It’s delightful!)
Which Serial Killer Are You?
Jeffrey Dahmer
You hunger for life, and human beings! You’re quiet and tend to keep to yourself when in public, but behind closed doors you take a bite out of all your wildest fantasies! Your favorite shampoo is Head and Shoulders, and your apartment smells like dead people. As Ludacris would put it, you’re a lady in the streets but a cannibal in the bed!
I also like the Facebook quizzes that offer one word answers without explanations. For example, I saw one the other day that asked, “When is your wedding date?” and when you were done with the quiz it simply told you what day you were going to get married. I wanted to make my own assortment of these quizzes as well.
What is the name of your future child’s kidnapper? 
Gary!
When will you get the death penalty?
Nov 17th, 2018!
How many weeks do you have before your wife discovers the sex doll in your storage shed?
4!
In your entire life, how many senior citizens will you strangle to death with your bare hands? 
5!
How many celebs will attend your funeral? 
2!
I love Facebook. I find the social networking tool to be enjoyable and hilarious. In fact, if anyone that works for Facebook ever reads this article, please consider it my resume.
*motivation and effort
By Sean Patrick
In a crowded bar, there is one thing that can cause a crowd to erupt into a unified outpouring of jubilation: a perfect song played on the jukebox. I’ve been to a packed bars where hundreds of smiling faces are singing “Sweet Caroline” in unison, and other bars where “Hey Jude” causes the whole crowd to belt out “Na Na Na’s” in every direction. It’s a beautiful scene.
On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve also been to bars where a song is played that causes the bar patrons to become pissed off. These are typically the kind of songs that I request.
When making my song choices, I always seem to find myself selecting a song that I think about 3% of the people at the bar will enjoy, and that 3% typically only includes me and the people I came with. Yet I play it anyways because, a) I kind of like the song, and b) I know how funny it will be when people outwardly complain about it and ask who the dickhead was that paid money to hear it. Since these are some of my favorite moments to have at a bar, I wanted to list my Top Five favorite songs to play on the jukebox.
#5 Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
Nothing pumps up a crowd like the tune that Rolling Stone Magazine listed as the 3rd most annoying song ever written. When the song comes on, the question isn’t “who let the dogs out?”, it’s “who is the asshole who played Who Let the Dogs Out?” It’s pretty hilarious.
I think what I love most about playing this song is that it’s original purpose was to pump people up at sporting events, yet it does the exact opposite. I think it’s because of it’s Jamaican theme. No offense to the Jamaican culture, but their songs don’t energize me to thrive in sports, or partake in any sort of physical activity. Bob Marley was a great political activist, but when I hear him sing “Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up For Your Rights,” the melody makes me want to sip on a Pina Calada on a beach rather than partake in a political revolution. It’s probably because of the presence of the steel drum.
What I also like about the song is the use of expression, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” It seems like a harmless catchphrase when sung by The Baha Men, but when it’s asked in a real life setting it typically means bad news. If someone approaches you asking “Who let the dogs out,” and you are the one who let those dogs out, then guess what? A group of dogs are lost and/or dead, and it’s all your fault. It’s like being asked, “Who gave great grandma the keys to the monster truck?!” Uh oh.
#4 Nothing Compares to You- Sinead O-Connor
What a lovely ballad. This song is best used in bars heavily populated with men, particularly lonely men who find themselves to be this way because of the way they mistreated women during their lifetime. They go to the bar to escape their women troubles, yet my song choice quickly reminds them of the bald ex-girlfriend that got away.
At a pizza parlor in college, my friend and I put five dollars into a jukebox and requested the song twelve times in a row. The jukebox was unplugged after 2 1/2 straight times of the song being played. It was the best five dollars I spent throughout my entire college career.
#3 Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton
Holy buzz kill. This is one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard, and should only be played at funerals. In fact, it might even be too sad for funerals. Needless to say, playing it in a crowded bar depresses everyone in the room, possibly because most bar patrons haven’t heard it since they tragically lost their step-brother.
Me and another friend of mine once had a competition to see who could play the saddest song on a jukebox at a bar in Iowa. I don’t recall what my pick was, but I do remember that this song was hers. While being played, the bartender actually said out loud, “This song is sad,” making my friend the clear winner of the contest.
#2 Any Song by Annie Lennox
I don’t think I need to explain.
#1 Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
I don’t know what it is about this song, but if I’m in a public setting, I need to hear it. If I’m in a public setting surrounded by sketchy looking older dudes that possibly could and would murder me, I really need to hear it.
The scarier my surroundings are, the more I find myself needing to hear this love ballad. If I’m sitting next to a man wearing a leather vest and no shirt underneath, I need to hear the expression “Bubble Gum Tongue.” If the guy across from me has a face tattoo, I want nothing more than for us to share John Mayer’s request to “Discover me Discovering you.” If a man whips out a gun at the bar, I won’t run away… I’ll run to the jukebox so we can listen to the John-man confess, “I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase.” I’ve spent more money on playing this song on jukeboxes than I have put into my 401K.
Playing any of these songs on a jukebox is a great icebreaker. For example, when someone demands to know who the homophile is who played Annie Lennox on the jukebox, you can say, “I’m the homophile! What’s your name?”
By Sean Patrick
When it comes to music, I’m pretty flexible. I’ll give anything a listen, and I consider myself to be the opposite of a musical snob. This is because I know that my musical taste is sporadic and occasionally homoerotic: I have a compilation CD that has both rock classics from The Beatles catalogue as well as songs from both Sister Act films on it, and if I put all of my music on an Ipod and hit shuffle, it is possible that “Stairway to Heaven” could be followed by John Stamos’ “Forever.”
It is obvious that my musical taste is somewhat squewed, which might explain my choice in best rap album of the decade. When it comes to rap, I’m a fan, but not a huge fan. I like the genre, but I spend more time listening to other music. But there is a rap album that struck my attention for it’s brilliance, humor and courage . This album is none other than Kevin Federline’s debut musical endeavor, Playing With Fire.
Before I go into the entertainment value of this masterpiece, let me preface with a little history between me and this album. When I was working as a financial aid advisor, everyone had pictures pinned up on the walls of their cubicles. After almost eight months of working at the company, I still had no pictures up in my cube. One day I was bothered by this, so I decided that I would rip a picture out of the US magazine I had at my desk and pin it to my wall. When I opened the magazine, the first picture I saw was of Kevin Federline.
One of the middle aged guys who I shared a cubicle with at the time was somewhat of a Britney fan. He hated K-fed, and since he was kind of a prick, I decided that putting this picture on my wall would not only decorate it, but it would also piss him off, thus killing two birds with one stone. So I ripped out the picture of him and hung it on my wall. Quickly afterwards I got the reputation of being the possibly gay guy who had a picture of Kevin Federline hung up in his cubicle.
Because this picture was on my wall, someone came up to me on a Tuesday afternoon and asked if I heard that K-Fed was in town for a concert. Since I was more of a mock fan at the time I had no idea of this, and when I looked online to see if tickets were available, I discovered that not only were they still available, but they were giving them away for free! All I had to do was pay a three dollar service fee per ticket, and I would be on my way to seeing this countries greatest white rapper. Discovering this was the closest feeling to winning the lottery that I’ve ever had, and I immediatly purchased three tickets for me and my friends Adam and Lindsay.
The timing of the concert was perfect. Kevin and Ms. Spears had just announced their separation two days earlier, and this was going to be his first concert appearance since the shocking news broke… and by shocking I mean completely expected for years.
The concert itself was worth every three dollar. Before singing his song “Dance With a Pimp,” K-Fed asked the ladies in the crowd if they heard that he was now single. After posing the question, he asked another one: “Which one of you ladies would like to dance with a pimp?” The women in the crowd went into a quiet, non-existent frenzy when he offered this service, and the proposal itself showed that the heart broken Federline was a posterboy for strength.
After the show, reporters were outside and asked the three of us what we thought of the concert. People were anticipating that because of the divorce, K-Fed’s career was now over, so Lindsay responded to the reporter by saying, “He’s back! He’s better than ever! Totally on top of his game! Amazing show!” The reporter looked surprised and said, “Really?” I then spoke up and inquired, “How do you say comeback in Brazilian? PopoZão!” Then Adam took hold of the microphone after me and said, “I will always pay three dollars to see a train wreck!” This left the reporter shocked and speechless.
A month later it’s Christmas time, and I found myself participating in a secret Santa gift exchange at my work. The rule was that you were supposed to write down three things that you would like to receive as a gift, and they all had to be under $20, and whoever got your list had to pick between the three things you put down. I thought to myself, “what are three things that I want, yet may never buy for myself that are under $20?” Only one thing came to mind: Kevin Federline’s album. I didn’t want to buy the thing because I wanted to continue to have at least a little bit of respect for myself, but if someone else bought it for me then my status as a respectable human being would still be intact. At least kind of.
Instead of listing three things on the grab bag list, I listed six, four of which were the Kevin Federline album. I wanted to make it very clear to my secret Santa that this is the gift I wanted the most, and his only other options were to buy me the Teen Wolf DVD or a $20 present for my girlfriend since I didn’t know what to get her for Christmas. Needless to say, along with a $10 gift certificate to Walgreens for my girlfriend, I received Kevin Federline’s smash debut record, which had ripped up the charts by debuting at #151 and selling 6500 copies in its opening week. To this day it has sold 16,000 copies, and like 15,999 other people, I have come to realize how amazing this album really is.
The album opens up with a bunch a little kid voices, all talking over each other. Finally, all in unison, the kids ask, “Grandpa, can you tell us a story about when you were young?” K-Fed laughs and says, “Gather round children.” Some may think it’s bold to predict that he will have that many grandkids when he gets older, but considering the staggering rate that this man is reproducing, 65% of the worlds population may have the last name of Federline before the year 2030.
After the kids inquire about K-Feds younger years, various real life newscasts involving Federline and Spears are heard, with reporters announcing that “According to sources, Federline’s marriage to pop superstar Britney Spears has reached it’s last straw” and “Once again, Federline was spotted partying at various Hollywood hot spots.” The newscasts go silent after these reports, and only sound effects are heard. These sound effects suggest that K-Fed smashes a bottle of liquor against a wall, gets up, and takes two Samurai swords out of their cases as if he were going into battle. This leads into his first song.
Although I believe this is the best opening to an album since Sgt. Peppers, I am aware that there’s a dangerous problem here: his grandkids are still around. With them in the room, he carelessly brakes a glass and arms himself with two Japanese war weapons. Yet the kids don’t scream or say a word when this happens, suggesting one of two things: either this is common behavior by drunken grandpa K-Fed and the spectacle is no longer frightening to even children, or he killed all of them. It may seem like a far fetched theory, but keep in mind, grandpa has swords and a drinking problem. This opening sequence is brilliant in it’s vagueness, and one may say that in it, Kevin himself is predicting that his grandfathering skills are going to be shit. However, Kevin shows in this album that his prediction abilities aren’t too great.
In his song “Lose Control,” Federline states, “…I married a superstar, you’ll never come between us no matter who you are.” In other songs he makes declarations such as “I’m fucking lady luck” and “I married snow money, she’ll rock n’ roll for me.” First off, it’s great how even though he went from being a struggling back up dancer to marrying a woman who is worth over $110 million dollars, he refers to her as lady luck. I love his confidence. Secondly, the album came out on October 31, 2006. Britney filed for divorce on November 7th, 2006, making “never come between us no matter who you are” wildly inaccurate. His prediction couldn’t even last more than a week after his album dropped, making him appear to be the anti-Nostradamus. Although I will say, I’m impressed with his physic abilities when in his ninth track, “A League of My Own” (possibly titled after the wildly popular girls baseball movie),” he states, “Budge me? I think not, I’m too pudgy.” At the time he wrote this lyric he looked like this: 
Now he looks like this:
Chloe the phone psychic couldn’t have made a better prediciton.
Speaking of predictions, track 8, “Crazy,” has Britney herself singing the chorus. Interestingly enough, the chorus goes, “And they say, I’m crazy, for loving you, for feeling you. And maybe, I’m a little crazy…”
She may actually be the second coming of Nostradamus.
Kevin Federline also displays his knack for contradicting himself, specifically in the songs “A League of My Own” and “Privilege.” In “A League of My Own,” Mr. Spears states, “Im not saying I’m the best kid, but I’m better then the rest is…” Hmm. I think that might actually be the Webster’s definition of the word “best.” Later on in that song he pleads that, “I’m not here to brag,” referring to the fact that he repeatedly mentions his newfound wealth throughout the song and the entire album. In the same breath, he states “My Ferrari costs more than your little S-Class.” He also raps that “one earring costs more than your budget,” “I’m in a whole other tax bracket,” and “it dont matter what you blow, you cant match it,” referring to the average citizens amount of spending money in comparison to his. Again, I’m not sure if he is aware of the definition of the word that he claims to be innocent of partaking in (in this case the word is”brag”), but it appears that he is doing just that. It’s adorable.
In “Privilege,” he states, “I got tired of drugs, so I switched to rap!” The chorus immediately follows this brave statement of sobriety, only the problem is that the chorus goes, “Lets get something to smoke…” I don’t think Federline is referring to buying a pack of Virginia Slims, especially since he makes over twenty marijuana references in his album, six in this song alone. It can be assumed that the once drug free K-Fed is now back on the wagon one lyric later, making his contradicting song style a frightening look into the harrowing life of a chronic weed smoker. Not since The Rolling Stones sang “Sister Morphine” has an artist so willingly put himself out there to advocate the struggles of a drug addict, making Federline a courageous performer.
One of my favorite parts of the album is how he keeps referring to his friend JR as a dog lipped bastard. I typically don’t agree with people when they say other human beings resemble animals, but after looking up a picture of JR, I have to agree with K-Fed.
JR
The thing I like most about Federline is that he is completely hilarious, which he proves over and over again in his lyrics. Such gems as “I’m handin’ out ass kickins’ like diplomas,” “I’m so high, I could probably drop a shit and fly,” “It’s going down like a fresh pair of panties,” and “I’m coming out like Janet’s titty at the Super Bowl,” make me laugh every time I hear them. If his musical career doesn’t pan out (it didn’t), he should be hired as a writer on the Jay Leno Show.
There are plenty of other things I love about this album, so much that I might need another website in order to list them all. I read recently that K-Fed might be working on a new album with the help of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. If that is true, on the release date you will “see me at the cross roads” of Locust Drive and Main St in Dundee, Il, which is where the nearest Best Buy is located.
By Sean Patrick
I just got back Saturday night from a week long trip with my gff Jackie to Canada. We camped all week around the Toronto area, and visited such landmarks as Niagara Falls, Canada’s wine country, and whatever unoccupied baseball field that the Blue Jays play at. After this memorable getaway to our friendly neighbor to the north, I wanted to share some things that happened to us, as well as some differences I noticed about our red flag-ed step child.
My first experience on Canadian soil was when we stopped to get gas. I walked into the bathroom of the gas station, and what do I find written above the stall? “9/11 was an inside job!” Looks like Charlie Sheen has been tagging bathroom walls up north. (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2632130/Charlie-Sheens-911-rant-rocks-US.html)
Canadians say “a-boot.” They will deny it up and down, but they do. Our first day there, we stopped at a convenience store, and since they didn’t have beer we asked where we could buy a twelve pack. The answer? “A-boot 15 minutes south.” I almost peed my pants. It was like finding out that Santa Claus is real. A couple days later in Toronto, we met a guy who had recently visited Chicago. He mocked the Chicago accent, which is when we mocked the fact that Canadians say a-boot. “I have never heard anyone say a-boot, and I’ve lived here my whole life,” he replied. An hour later this same gentlemen says, “We went to a bar in Wrigleyville at a-boot noon and it was packed.” That time I actually did pee my pants a little.
Winning the Canadian Football League championship is about as significant as receiving a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award.
We had no idea what the drinking age was in Canada, but our entire time there we had never been carded when buying liquor. At the Blue Jays game, Jackie went up to a beer vendor, who was surrounded by signs and wearing buttons that said, “We ID under 30!” After she wasn’t carded she asked, “What’s the legal drinking age in Canada?” His response: “I don’t know.”
Because of their bromance with the metric system, Canadian gas is distributed in liters, not gallons. So when you roll up to a gas station and see “.92,” don’t get excited… it converts to over $4 per gallon. It’s sneaky… it’s deceitful… it’s Canadian.
The first camp site we were at was douched with stray cats. By Tuesday, we were one of the only couples left in at the huge provincial park, and since we cooked food every night, we attracted wildlife and ended up being surrounded by thousands of stray cats.* I felt like a creepy middle aged woman.
We saw George Clooney. We joked about seeing him the whole trip, and since he had a red carpet premire in downtown Toronto we were actually able to catch a glimpse of the gray haired heartthrob. To be honest, he’s really not as cute in person. He’s cuter.
At the first movie we saw, a middle aged lady fell down the stairs during the ending credits. It would have been funny, but she fell so hard she started bleeding from her head, making it more hilarious than funny. Unfortunately because it happened in Canada, she will have to wait six months for their health care system to provide her with a band-aid.**
Canada hides their black people.
Beer is expensive. It was $18 for a twelve pack of cans. I’m used to the price of Old Style cans, which you can get a twelve pack for simply taking a urine test. But the best part about the beer we bought is that the color and design of the can makes it look like a Canadian Dr. Pepper, which made my little brother almost open one up twice. 
Fun fact: 80% of the Germans living during the 40’s didn’t know that Hitler was persecuting the Jews, which is why they continued to support him. I know this because an old Canadian-German lady sitting next to us at a theatre told us within the first few minutes of our conversation. I usually wait at least a couple days after meeting someone before I discuss Hitler, but she dove right in before the water was even warm. Canadian small talk doesn’t fuck around. But I guess you have to respect people who say whatever it is that’s on their mind.
Both one and two dollar currency in Canada is in coin form. A one dollar coin is called a looney and a two dollar coin is called a twonie. So if you get three dollars in change, you get two coins instead of the three bills you would get here. Because we are American and are used to coins being of lesser value and somewhat of a nusience, we would give these coins away to homeless people not thinking of their worth. I think we unknowingly gave one homeless guy around $9. He seemed as joyous as a successful business woman.
Overall it was a great trip, and I truly enjoy and respect our northern neighbor, no matter how goofy their numeric system may be. In fact, we plan on going back in a-boot two years.
*When I say thousands, I’m using the metric system. It actually converts to four.
** This statistic courtesy of the Fox News Network.
